She’s lost interest in him

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for about 10 years. Ever since having our son four years ago, the thought of physical contact with him makes me cringe. He’s a good-looking man, a great dad and a hard worker, but something about him makes me not want to be intimate.

We both have strong personalities, so we butt heads, but it’s not like we fight. My reaction to him is along the line of those internal “Ugh, he’s clueless” thoughts. I don’t know what to do.

We have sex about four times a year! And even THAT is a struggle for me.

I know that can’t be healthy or normal. Help! Clueless

Dear Clueless: Your sexless marriage is more “normal” than you realize.

First, see a doctor. Your libido issues might be due to a hormonal imbalance or other medical problem.

You say there is something about your husband that turns you off, but you should also take a deep and honest self-inventory.

The accepted relationship wisdom is that connection starts with communication, but before you can communicate effectively with your husband, you need to try to understand your own motivations and answer questions about your own intimate identity, including your sexual identity.

The two hardest questions for any of us to answer are: “Who am I?” and “What do I want?” For many women, the answer to these important questions shifts with motherhood.

Men wrestle with this, too — but you have left your husband out of your narrative.

Couples wandering aimlessly through the desert of desire can learn to talk about it, and they can reconnect if there is a mutual choice to try.

Sex really is a head trip. To break the pattern, you and your husband may need to retrain your thinking.

Try “Why Can’t You Read My Mind? Overcoming the 9 Toxic Thought Patterns That Get in the Way of a Loving Relationship” by Jeffrey Bernstein and Susan Magee.

Dear Amy: A year ago, I found a great job in my hometown, at a store that sells CBD (products derived from marijuana that do NOT make you high).

My parents and in-laws were very excited and supportive, as were other friends and family. However, my brother and sister-in-law found my new profession to be morally objectionable.

They made it clear that they could not support my new career. I have not spoken to them in a year.

Since they live across the country, I rarely see them. I don’t miss them and feel relieved not to have contact.

My parents would like me to mend this relationship. What should I do? MJ

Dear MJ: It isn’t clear (to me) why you should be solely responsible for mending the relationship. If they ask forgiveness for being unkind and judgmental, you should do your best to forgive them.

Situations like this can cause long-term estrangements. Even if they initiated it, a total break — or the refusal to be cordial when family events force you together — ends up hurting everyone, especially your folks.

If your parents try to mediate a solution, you should cooperate, and do your best to maintain an attitude of kindness. Your own kindness, even toward people who have been unkind to you, will make you feel good about all of your choices.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.