Can’t cope with tardiness

Dear Amy: I moved to a new city about a year ago.

I’ve made one really great friend here but there’s a hitch: our incongruous approaches to timeliness.

“Sam” has been, without fail, late to everything. His tardiness ranges from one to three hours. Sometimes I wait an hour and politely ask, “What’s your ETA?” and he replies, “Sorry, I’m just going to do 15 things and I’ll be on my way!”

Recently, he and I were studying at his place and I got hungry, so I said, “I’m going to go to the grocery store next door, I’ll be back in five.”

I would have been back in five, except he wanted to join me. First, he had to change his contact lenses and fix his hair, and then he started telling me this story about his mom that I didn’t pay much attention to because I was annoyed. About 10 more things and 25 minutes later, we finally left his place.

At the store, he spent 30 minutes trying to decide on a snack. I’m a very structured person and need him to try to follow a schedule.

What makes everything worse is that he apologizes ALL the time — and he is aware that his tardiness is a problem.

I’ve been told I can be abrasive, and I’d really like to avoid conflict since he’s one of my closest friends here, so I’m not sure how to move forward. Advice? Annoyed!

Dear Annoyed!: “Sam” has been Sam as long as you have been “Annoyed.” He is already aware of his behavior and its impact on you — and you know this because he is constantly apologizing.

You seem like a classic mismatch — but many great friendships thrive despite different temperaments.

Perhaps Sam was sent into your life to test your patience. Will you pass this test? (You seem to be working hard on it.)

You need to decide on common-sense boundaries, and a useful way of communicating those boundaries, including the consequences when Sam lets you down. Don’t act annoyed or judgmental — but do be honest with him about the impact of his behavior on you. Will you wait an hour for him to meet you? Maybe. Should you wait for three hours? No.

The amateur diagnostician in me believes Sam may have ADHD. For many adults, identifying their scattered focus and attention challenges as ADHD, rather than a character flaw, can be a game-changer.

Dear Amy: I am struggling in these uncertain times. I find people are showing their true colors with how they are responding to “stay at home” orders.

Unfortunately, political ideals are being exacerbated because of this. People who I thought were good people are deliberately ignoring orders, traveling across state lines, having large gatherings, dismissing hygiene practices and posting polarizing things on social media.

I have started to block and hide these people from social media and other virtual interactions — to escape the negativity.

I have no intent to control their views and actions. How can I cope with this better? Trying to Do Right

Dear Trying: Now is the time to adopt the axiom “you be you” with a vengeance. Continue to disengage on social media. That means disengaging from people you disagree with but also avoiding the bubble of anxiety that can come from connecting with people who are enraged and afraid.

Drop back. Read a good novel. You be you.