Protective or preventive?

My husband and I have raised our granddaughter, “Allie,” since she was 3 years old. We adopted her a few years ago. She is now 13. Her biological mother (our daughter) got into drugs, alcohol and stealing to support her habit. She has betrayed us and other family members, has been in jail many times, and is in prison for the second time.

When she is incarcerated, she writes letters to us saying how badly she has messed up, how terrible her life is, seeking forgiveness — but the main point is to ask us to send money and items to make her time easier.

Each time she is released, she quickly falls back into her old cycle. This has been going on for 20 years.

Her last letter contained a letter for Allie — asking her to write and send pictures.

I did not show this to Allie, but now I’m wondering if I should. I have tried to spare her the sordid details.

Allie is well-adjusted, has friends and does well in school. She occasionally gets sad she doesn’t have a “normal” mom (her father was never in the picture).

I thought we would let her decide what kind of relationship she wants with her parents when she’s old enough. But how do I know when she is old enough? We’ve told her mom that she cannot visit with Allie until she is clean and sober for at least six months. Wondering Gramma

Dear Wondering: I think it’s time to level with Allie. Keeping all of this a secret might create more problems than it would solve. However, I think it’s vital that you also meet with a qualified counselor to guide family conversations and serve as a supportive neutral party for Allie to communicate with as she tries to navigate this challenging family issue.

Be honest with Allie about the depth of her mother’s problems. Do not paint her as a bad person; she has an addiction disorder and makes terrible and destructive choices.

Give Allie the letter from her mother. Tell her you will help if she wants to contact her. I think it’s also important that you continue to read and monitor any letters sent to Allie, to make sure she is not being manipulated or asked to send money to her mother in prison.

Allie’s attitude regarding this will cycle as she grows older. You want to be the steady, unflappable people in her corner — always available, honest and protective.

Dear Amy: We are three sisters. I am the oldest, my sister “C” is a year younger, and our third sister, “A,” is 10 years younger. Both sisters are artists. A lives overseas. Recently she sent me a small arty gift.

There was no special occasion; we had been enjoying our email communications, and maybe she sent it to help me get through the pandemic isolation.

I mentioned the gift to C, who said A had sent her the same thing but minus the paint and the roller.

I said, “A probably didn’t send you the paint and the roller because she figured you already had some.”

I thought this since both are artists.

C was offended and felt slighted. Now I’m sorry I mentioned it.

What is the best way to handle this? M

Dear M: This matter is almost delightfully trivial. During these dark days, it’s a relief to see that sisters are still doing the sister thing.

You did nothing wrong. Let the artists paint themselves out of this corner.