Her half-time house-sitter
My husband and I are retired. We own a home up north and one in the south. Our 40-year-old son lives with us up north.
We spend about six months of the year in each place. We are covering all expenses for our son (except for his food, car and phone).
He does not contribute financially. He has worked full-time since college and is doing fine financially.
It is comforting to have him in the house while we are gone. He takes care of things if a need arises. But when we return, I have to deep-clean the place and my husband becomes a 24-hour gardener to restore the home to how it was when we left.
I strongly feel that my son should be contributing financially and doing chores, but my husband keeps saying, “Oh, leave him alone.”
I think he should be paying rent. And we want to relax and not be interrupted by his comings and goings.
We love our son dearly and do not want to hurt or alienate him.
Can you help resolve this dilemma?
Dear Frustrated: Your son should be paying rent during the six months when you are all in the house together. His rent should be reduced or eliminated when he is basically house-sitting for you during the winter.
Many people hire house sitters in the off-season because of the risks inherent in leaving a house empty. Some house sitters do it in exchange for a place to live but many charge a per-day fee.
In terms of you returning home to face many large tasks, he is 40 years old! He should help with cleaning and do all of the yard work (unless your husband enjoys it), and you should return to a house (basically) as clean as you left it. It is completely reasonable to expect this. I’m guessing you have never made this expectation clear to him, however.
It sounds as if you just don’t want to live with your son. That is completely understandable and within reason. You could suggest he move out altogether, or look into a six-month furnished rental when you’re in the house and move into your home (rent-free) in winter.
Dear Amy: I live 3,000 miles from my parents and can only communicate with them by phone/video chat during COVID.
Due to age, my parents are considered to be higher risk for the virus. They tell me they are careful.
Last week, they announced they were going to a beach house with two other couples and planned to visit tourist destinations in the area. I was floored. I begged them to reconsider and their response was, “We understand your concern and promise to be careful.”
My sister later learned through mutual friends that my parents have not been as careful as they’ve let on (friends have been in their house, they regularly have meals with neighbors, etc.).
I don’t think they’ve lied to us but they’ve conveniently withheld details. I’ve shared my concern. I want to put my foot down. How do I get through to them?
Dear Upset: You won’t get through to them. Your parents are taking risks, and they know this because they haven’t been honest with you about their choices. You cannot control them from 3,000 miles away. This lack of control is a major stressor for family members everywhere, and it is a sadness you will have to tolerate while you hope for the best.