Show the kids life goes on
Dear Amy: Four years ago, I had a serious work-related accident. I was getting ready for my fourth surgery, a risky procedure, with a good chance I might never walk again. I was terrified.
Right before my surgery my wife left, which in itself was hard, but she abandoned all four of her children too. Three were my stepchildren (biologically hers).
The two years since she left have been extremely difficult; three of our four children stayed with me and the fourth moved in with their biological father. My surgery went well. It took a long time but I can walk again.
My biggest worry has always been the kids. My exwife ignores them and has never helped support them.
They are so angry at her. I don’t want them to carry that anger and resentment. I want them to be happy.
I give them all the love I have, but her abandonment has been devastating.
It rips me apart that she only calls them every four or five weeks and sees them only once or twice a year.
I’m just an old broken man who could really use some advice. Broken Heart
Dear Broken: For you to help your kids through this estrangement, it is vital that you find ways to become less broken. Your physical recovery is a triumph. Now you need to continue to expand and demonstrate your emotional resilience.
It seems that your ex’s reprehensible behavior has become a defining experience for you. But it’s not. What you are doing now — steadfastly parenting through this storm — this is what defines you!
You have to show your kids that life does go on, and that you — and they — have some control over what happens next. I hope you will build a legacy of positive and hopeful experiences that become the defining next chapters.
You might also explore the possibility of legally adopting your stepchildren. Changing your legal status from stepdad to “Dad” might help all of you to move on together as a family.
Dear Amy: I have been married for five years. We have two beautiful boys. While we’ve had typical ups and downs, we are happy.
In high school, I had a serious boyfriend for three years. It was a very emotionally abusive and a very unhealthy relationship for me.
For the last year and a half, I have had dreams about this high school boyfriend every night!
Some dreams are a bit steamy but most are like clips from an unlived life. We’re doing daily tasks at home, spending time with his family, going out with friends.
The kicker is, I’m so happy in these dreams! My rational mind knows there were few positive aspects to this relationship from over a decade ago, but what gives? Confused Dreamer
Dear Dreamer: Our subconscious may emerge during dreams to help us resolve issues in our waking lives. Write down your dreams in order to look for patterns.
I think you might feel guilty for staying so long in an unhealthy relationship. Rewriting the old script (exploring the “unlived life”) might be your mind’s way of trying to prompt acceptance and forgiveness of your younger self.
The fact that you are having these dreams every night without resolution is cause for concern. A psychologist could help you turn the corner and dream differently.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.