Distance isn’t the problem

Dear Amy: I’m gay and in a long-distance relationship with my partner/boyfriend. I live in a city on the East Coast and he lives in a city on the West Coast.

I visit as often as I can but until we can live together, we’re not monogamous.

I don’t hook up much, but I believe and accept that my boyfriend does. However — this creates a problem these days: I suspect he’s still hooking up even during this pandemic. (I’m not.)

He won’t ever talk with me about his “other” sex life. I don’t know where or how to begin, because I know I’ll only get denial from him.

What can I do about him staying safe these days, given I don’t really know what he’s doing, and he won’t say?

To me, staying safe means not hooking up at all, and I don’t think he’s willing to do that. Worried

Dear Worried: Your relationship is imbalanced. It sounds as if you’re the guy who gets on a plane to travel across the country. You are the partner who discloses honestly what you are doing, how you are feeling and who you are hanging out with.

Your guy doesn’t sound compliant — to any particular social, ethical or relationship construct.

If he wanted to be emotionally intimate with you, he would answer your questions honestly, risking a conversation he obviously does not want to have.

You cannot keep him safe. You can only try your hardest to keep yourself safe. The coronavirus is not the only virus you risk contracting if you physically reunite with your boyfriend. (Always practice safe sex and get tested for STDs.)

I hope you will find someone geographically and ethically closer to you. Your West Coast guy does not sound like a good bet for a longterm, serious, loving and monogamous relationship.

Dear Amy: My in-laws want to see my 2-year-old child. Due to COVID-19, my husband and I said we would bring her to their house if the visit was outside.

My mother-in-law is in poor health, has dialysis and was recently in the hospital and rehab. We want to keep her — and us — safe.

She declined this and said maybe another time.

My husband has never really said no to her during the 16 years we’ve been together.

She does not interfere much in our lives. She just wants to see her youngest grandchild — but online visits seem to be fine for the other grandchildren.

My parents (who are in their mid-70s and in good health) now watch our child sometimes.

Asking my parents for help was my husband’s idea, but I worry that allowing one set of grandparents to see our child while the other set doesn’t will have repercussions in the future. What do you think we should do? Klueless in Kentucky

Dear Klueless: It sounds as if you live near your inlaws. I think you should take your daughter to their home. Your husband should call and ask his mother to come to the front door at a specific time. He can tell her, “We’re going to do a drive-by visit, because we miss you.”

Bring a sign (“Love you, Nana”) that your child can hold as she waves to her grandmother from a safe distance away.

You could also send your mother-in-law a care package of photos and mementos, as reminders that you care and you hope to be together soon.