Be direct with houseguest
Dear Amy: Three months ago, my husband and I took in a friend of our daughter’s, who quite suddenly lost her housing and whose college switched to all online classes, due to COVID-19.
We have been hosting her without asking for any kind of payment. All we’ve requested is that she cook one night a week. She’s a lovely girl and usually washes the dishes after dinner but does not do any other housework.
When she came to live with us, her parents (who live overseas) called to thank us and said they’d be in touch weekly. Aside from that call, we have not heard one word from them.
We assumed she would be with us until her semester ended. She is still with us — and we just learned that she plans to stay another two months, after which she will go to live with her parents.
Since she clearly is no longer a house guest but rather a housemate, I’ve discussed with my husband the idea of asking her parents to make a financial contribution to our household, but he is hesitant to do so.
Her parents were paying her tuition and at least some of her living costs. She is getting some kind of financial help from them now, too.
I’m feeling taken advantage of. I’d like to ask the parents to make a financial contribution but don’t know how to broach the subject and how to convince my husband we aren’t being cheap. Taken Advantage Of Dear Taken: You stepped in during a global emergency. Let’s assume this phase of the emergency has passed. The school semester has ended. If travel home is possible, it seems logical your housemate would return to live with her parents.
This situation has taken up a tidy space in the void you yourselves have created, by refusing to communicate.
Do you want this person to leave the house? Say so: “We’ve been happy to host you, but now that things have settled down, you need to return to your folks’.”
Do you want her to do more than make one meal a week? Then say so!
Would you feel better if you agreed to let her stay, and she paid you $50 a week? Then tell her.
Maybe, after considering your options, you would decide to let her stay — but then you should do so with open intentions.
You are basically accusing this person of taking advantage of you, but she is young and cannot read your minds, and you are too afraid to have a conversation. If her parents are really in charge of her situation, call them and review how you envision her options.
Dear Amy: I am over 60 and have autoimmune disease, as well as a treasured parent in their late 90s whom I look after. I am quite concerned about the danger of the COVID virus.
My spouse does not share my concern and is no longer willing to forgo the gym, hair appointments, out-of-home hobbies, etc., as the cases in our state are increasing!
Other couples must be having this issue; what have they done? Disappointed Spouse
Dear Disappointed: Many people seem to lack the fortitude to adhere to medical guidelines. It is as if they decided: “I can do this for four months, and then I’m done.”
The medically safest choice for you might be to leave your home and — if possible — cohabit with your elderly parent.
I will run responses from people facing this very challenging dilemma.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.