Not too late to speak out
Dear Amy: With knowledge comes broader perspective. I am a person of color. While studying for my PhD in clinical psychology, I have realized that many things about my upbringing were wrong. The actions of one teacher hang heavy in my heart and mind.
In elementary school, we played a game in gym. It was an obstacle course on floor scooters, and we played it in the dark. Everyone loved it. We would play it in February, Black History Month, and it was called “The Underground Railroad.”
Everyone I mention this to says how wrong this was. I remain confused as to why it was allowed in a supposedly progressive community. It minimized what this nation has put black people through and made it into a children’s game. Most people don’t fully understand the profound impact that constant invalidation can have on the psyche.
The teacher who led the game now teaches high school U.S. history. I fear that he continues to minimize the suffering of those this nation has held down. I don’t know the most effective way of dealing with this, I know it needs to be addressed. Making Change
Dear Making Change:
When I was a kid, we played “Cowboys and Indians,” featuring some truly outlandish, ignorant (and, I assume, despicable) depictions of Native Americans. It wasn’t used as a teaching tool, but it’s an example of how every generation in the U.S. can look back and cringe at the racism that has infused our culture since way before our nation’s founding.
We need only look at the recent pace of awareness and change to realize we are in the midst of a reckoning. While this change might seem sudden, it has been happening in incremental ways for several generations.
I’d like to return to Maya Angelou, whose wisdom turns up quite often in this space: “I did then what I knew to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
I think it would be helpful and useful if you wrote a letter to your alma mater, outlining your experience as a student. You could call out this particular teacher for minimizing the experience of escaping slaves by turning it into a game, but this is obviously a bigger, systemic issue. The “casual” nature of this example does not make it any more acceptable, but perhaps this teacher has grown over time.
Dear Amy: In the past month, I have gotten engaged to the love of my life!
With the ongoing COVID crisis, and my sister’s health deteriorating quickly, we are planning a small ceremony at the end of the summer.
I spend time with my sister every day, and although I am not high-risk myself, I have to protect her.
How can I get my in-laws to understand (without hurting feelings) that although I want them to be there to celebrate with us, if they’re going to hug us, I’d rather they stay home? Engaged and Confused
Dear Confused: You should provide guests with guidelines for how to manage this happy occasion, while minimizing risk to all.
You should also seriously consider hosting a private ceremony (just the two of you and clergy), with a larger inclusive celebration to be held after the greatest health risk has passed.
I have read too many accounts of benign celebration gatherings that have developed sometimes tragic and heartbreaking outcomes.