Online learning not for all

Dear Amy:

My 19-year-old daughter’s freshman year of college ended with several weeks of online classes after California’s shelter-in-place mandate ended in-person instruction. The online format was difficult for her, and she did poorly, after doing quite well before then.

During quarantine she has become depressed and anxious about the coronavirus and our country’s social and political upheaval.

We’ve agreed that starting her sophomore year online will not be a wise choice and she is going to take the semester, and possibly the year, off from college.

The question is: What now? The job market is tight. Even volunteer opportunities are limited because of the pandemic.

She feels adrift. She is in therapy, which is helpful. I want to guide her but I am at a loss as to how, and what to suggest during this break. Your suggestions? Worried Mom

Dear Worried:

She should explore taking classes at your local community college. This would enable her to continue to identify as a student and would keep her on track, academically.

The worst thing would be for her to have too much unstructured time. This is when her anxiety would roam her brain’s hallways, looking for trouble. She should spend as much time as possible outdoors. Regular exercise will help. Make sure she makes dinner for the family at least twice a week (learning to cook will give her a sense of mastery).

She should also look for a part-time job or volunteer position. Granted these opportunities might be few and far between, but exploring options and spitballing creative ideas (Could she be a Zoom tutor for an elementary school child? A dog walker?) will be good for her.

Also, make sure she limits her exposure to news that triggers her anxiety.

Dear Amy:

This morning’s paper had the obituary of the father of a friend of mine. The decedent’s younger son and daughter-in-law were named, as was my friend (the older son). But my friend’s husband (the two men are married) was removed from the narrative.

In talking about that with a friend, she said her exhusband’s sibling was trans and had been mentioned in their father’s obituary by her birth name, the male name she was assigned at birth.

What these situations share is deliberate cruelty to the immediate mourners. What does my friend do: Come by himself to the funeral, deprived of his husband’s comfort, or bring his husband and have to explain it all at the graveside?

With the trans child, why did someone think pretending “Jane” was still “John” would be a good idea, when people not in the know will say, “Who is that with the family? And where’s John?”

I’m so angry about this; perhaps you can explain it. Angry

Dear Angry:

A death notice is not an invitation to a funeral. Of course your friend will bring his husband to his father’s service, because they are married, and that’s what spouses do. He doesn’t need to explain.

My daughter worked for a time editing death notices for newspapers. What she took away from the experience was that many families use these notices to settle old scores, punish or exclude family members, or create a seemingly false narrative about a life. The absurdity of it all would almost be funny, if it weren’t so cruel.