Hoping for chance to heal
Dear Amy: My husband’s biological father left him and his mom when he was 2 years old. They haven’t seen each other in decades. We live on the other side of the country.
My husband just learned that his dad has stage 4 cancer. He says he feels ready for his father to die so he can be done wondering if he’ll ever reach out to apologize.
His dad’s name popped up as a suggested friend on Facebook, and he wondered if his father might reach out that way. He doesn’t want to be the one to reach out, which I understand. It’s not his job to do that — he’s the child in this situation.
I feel pulled to introduce myself online to his father or maybe his aunt to see if there’s a willingness to communicate with my husband. My husband says he’s numb and doesn’t like talking about it, but I wonder how he’ll feel when any chance for an apology or acknowledgment of his hurt is gone.
My husband says he wants his dad to reach out on his own terms. Would I hurt him and break our trust if I do this on my own?
I want to honor his feelings, but I also believe in the humanity of other people and the chance to heal. Should I leave this alone? Let It Be?
Dear Let It Be: The odds that your husband’s father will reach out and acknowledge or apologize for leaving him in childhood are low. The whole topic is simply too big for a late-life reveal.
A suggested friend on Facebook is someone whose “friend” network crosses paths with yours.
But your husband isn’t “the child” in this situation. He is a man, numbed by disappointment. If he doesn’t connect with his father, the father’s death will not bring relief or comfort from all of this pent-up hostility. If they do connect, the hurt and sadness will surface.
Reconciliation in this context would be your husband’s realization that he will not likely receive what he wants from a man who has never been able to give it. Reconciliation is not stuffing down your feelings but letting them surface and being willing to feel them, in order to accept what is. His father is flawed, cowardly and perhaps also “numb.”
Your husband might want to “lurk” a bit on his father’s social media in order to see photos and view these common ties. You should NOT connect with his family members without asking first. Ask: “Honey, why don’t I make this connection, and we can see how it goes? I’ll be the buffer, and stay beside you the whole way.”
Dear Amy: When doing a DNA test, I discovered that my uncle (who is now 95) has a son he didn’t know about and has never met!
This son is now about 75 and lives in another state.
Our whole family now knows about our uncle’s son, but we are hesitant to inform him. He and my aunt have a son, and he is aware of this, but my aunt and uncle are not. They have been happily married for years.
My uncle is doing very well, but we are concerned about causing any upheaval. Should we tell him about this son? Or should we avoid any potential turmoil that this could cause? Perplexed Relative
Dear Perplexed: This decision should be up to your uncle’s son, who you say is aware of this discovery.
I can imagine a wide range of reactions to this news. But you should be supportive of whatever decision your cousin makes concerning disclosing this news to his parents.