Try to end estrangement

Dear Amy: My grandmother recently went into hospice care. She has had dementia for the last f ive years, and my mother has been her sole caretaker.

That ( and money issues) has caused my mom and her brother to cut ties.

Only my immediate family knows that my grandmother is dying.

Should I reach out to my uncle and others in the extended family to tell them what’s going on?

My mom argues that they weren’t there for my grandmother during her decline, so why should they be called at the end?

My partner says to keep my nose out of it because it could lead to more drama if I reach out. However, I can’t imagine learning about your mother, grandmother or sister- in- law’s death through an obit. Your thoughts?

Lost

Dear Lost: These extended family members have the wherewithal to contact your mother by phone or email, or — if rebuffed or ignored — show up to her house to f ind out how your grandmother is doing.

This is not about what these family members “deserve” to know. They seem to have backed away.

Your grandmother’s feelings and wishes should be taken into account, however, even if her memory is gone and she is unable to express them. What would she want?

I agree with you regarding contacting family members about your grandmother’s condition, but your mother should be the one to reach out. If she is hesitant, tell her that you would feel better if this contact was made, and offer to take this challenge off her hands.

If your mother outright refuses, respect her wishes and understand she is resentful, angry and grieving.

Over time, people involved in estrangements construct a hard, protective shell around their feelings. I believe this shell is pierced through treating others the way you wish you would be treated. Behaving with generosity, even when others don’t deserve it and the outcome is in doubt, will be best for your mother. I hope she chooses to reach out.

Dear Amy: As the mother of three young adults, I was horrified that Wedding Stressed was willing to essentially tell one of her children that she doesn’t see any need to try to treat them at all equally. She gave one daughter $ 25,000 for a wedding but then was amazed that her son would inquire if he would receive anything for his wedding. How awful.

When our oldest married, my husband and I decided how much we could afford to give each child for their potential weddings, and told all three they would receive that amount when they decided to marry, to be used as they saw f it ( big wedding, small wedding, elopement).

If any of our children don’t marry, they’ll get that money down the road.

There will always be times you need to spend more/ do more/ support more to one child over another, but in the big picture, it should all be divided as equally as you can manage.

Jeez Louise!

Dear Louise: I agree. If parents can afford to, they should earmark an amount ( maybe call it an “adulthood gift”) to give to children, perhaps on a landmark birthday. Those funds can be put toward financing a wedding, the down payment on a house, paying down college debt, retirement savings or whatever larger purpose the child chooses.