Wife’s ‘ financial infidelity’
Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for a long time. We both grew up in working- class families, were the f irst in our families to graduate from college, and had respectable careers in different industries.
Now we’re more or less retired. I have a small online business that supplements our Social Security and her pension. ( My 401k disappeared in the last recession.)
I try to set aside money for special purchases and be prepared for unforeseen emergencies.
On the other hand, she buys all sorts of stuff online and puts it on credit cards: clothes, food, books, household items, you name it.
I have tried talking to her about the spending, but she is highly secretive about our f inances. When I press her for details, she picks a f ight about something I did or said years ago.
She accuses me of not trusting her ( and I don’t, really) and being paranoid ( I probably am).
If something happens to her, in the state where we live, I would be liable for the credit card debt in her name.
Given what I do know of our f inancial situation, I am afraid I would be bankrupt if she dies. She refuses to even discuss counseling. What can I do? I can’t afford to divorce her, either. Lost in a Blizzard of Packages
Dear Lost: When your wife runs up debt on multiple cards and hides it from you, she is committing “financial infidelity.” You cannot have a healthy, functioning marriage if one partner is lying about something so important. Ultimately, the consequences of her behavior may be borne by you.
Shopping and buying can give some people a dopamine hit, similar to gambling or addictive behavior.
Let’s assume she’s hiding and def lecting because she feels guilty and ashamed.
Instead of confronting her in anger, you could try to gently pry open the vault by enlisting her as a partner in long- range f inancial planning. If she insists her purchases are affordable, ask her to show you the paperwork. Tell her you want to get your marriage back on track by both being transparent and honest.
Regardless of how your wife responds, you should definitely see a counselor and a lawyer. You say you can’t afford to divorce, but it is possible you cannot afford to stay married.
Debtors Anonymous has a “friends and family” support group: Debtanon. org. You will also learn a lot from debt- buster Dave Ramsay.
Dear Amy: How can I politely tell my husband that he should wear larger clothes?
Over the past couple of years, he has put on enough weight that his clothes really don’t f it properly, and he shouldn’t be wearing them.
When I buy new clothes, he still wears his old ones because the new ones are “too big” and “not the right size.”
He has been the same size the entire time I’ve known him ( 24 years), and I don’t have an issue with his weight gain, but he seems to be in complete denial. I’m usually fairly direct, but I don’t know how to tactfully approach this.
Wondering Wife
Dear Wondering: There is no need for tact here because there is no need for you to tell your husband that his clothes are too tight.
He might be trying to use his tight- f itting clothing as an incentive to take off the weight he gained. If he asks for help, give him your point of view. Otherwise, let it go.