Not getting in the groove

Dear Amy: I’m in my mid- 20s. My boyfriend is in his late 20s. We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months, and some things he does bother me.

He’s not very sensitive or romantic. I’ve told him multiple times that I want him to be more romantic, but he says it’s just not how he is.

He rarely initiates sex, because he says he likes when I do it, even though I say that it’s hard for me to feel sexy when he doesn’t show me f irst that he f inds me sexy.

He is really big on spending weekends with his friends ( they share hobbies that I don’t). He’ll usually be gone all day with them. Sometimes he’ll also spend a weekend evening with friends and not invite me.

He’s big on “giving each other space.” We’ve gotten into fights because I’ve been upset he is prioritizing his friends over me.

I know he cares about me. He always checks in on me and calls me at least twice a day. He got me a wonderful gift for my birthday. I see him multiple times during the week and twice during the weekend.

Is this just a “take it or leave it” situation?

Sensitive, or Reasonable?

Dear Sensitive: How would you feel if your boyfriend told you multiple times that he wanted you to behave differently, and when you said, “That’s just not the way I am,” he responded that you- being- you is just not good enough?

Loving, intimate, longterm relationships aren’t usually this much work. You should not be fighting about basic personal characteristics or personality traits.

At the 10- month mark, you would ideally be entering a great groove with each other, where you are recognizing and accepting each other’s differences, without insisting your partner change elementally to please you. At the same time, you would both endeavor to be “better” versions of yourself to be worthy of the relationship.

Obviously these are ideals. This is not an indictment but a ref lection that you might not be the best match.

Dear Amy: During a recent vacation with friends, a new couple was invited. I know this couple and was fine with them joining us.

The wife knows my husband’s ex- wife. ( We have been married for 30 years.)

During a group conversation she drunkenly blurted out some very personal information about my husband and his ex ( what she said was definitely news to me, and incorrect).

The other women looked at me in shock, and I denied it. But she kept going on and on. I finally left the group.

My other friends chose to ignore this out of respect for me, and it was never brought up again.

My relationship with this woman is now strained. I avoid her and when I do speak to her, I keep my conversation with her short.

I understand that friendships ebb and f low. I think this one has ended. My trust in her is gone. Your thoughts?

Former Friend

Dear Friend: This woman’s drunken gossip has, quite logically, resulted in you keeping your distance.

Instead of ghosting her, I suggest you tell her how you feel about her behavior. Don’t do this in anger but to clarify that her behavior hurt you. Being drunk is not an acceptable excuse; if drinking brings out her worst, she needs to know her relationships will suffer.