Parents are acting like kids

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a family member living with us who is fighting cancer.

My ( adult) daughter volunteered to stay with my parents during the pandemic, since she can telework. She is at her wits’ end.

My parents sneak out when she is out of their sight for more than 10 minutes.

She said it’s like she’s a mom to teenagers. They wait for her to turn her back before they sneak out. We all believe their behavior could prove deadly.

They’re in their 70s and healthy. We don’t think they should stay with us because of our other family member.

We are trying to get them interested in indoor hobbies, to no avail. They say they’re being safe but then admit to running into old friends and standing around chatting.

My daughter tried to take the car keys but they invited her to leave!

I told my husband that if nothing else, I’m going to get their car keys.

Should I leave my sick one at home in order to watch over two healthy parents? Your suggestions?

Desperate

Dear Desperate: My suggestion is that your daughter should get tested, and if she tests negative for the virus, she should leave her grandparents’ household.

You don’t say that your parents are needy or impaired ( other than their judgment), so I’m assuming that they simply have minimal regard for their health or the health of others.

As the nation faces a dramatic surge of the virus, surely they know by now that if either one of them gets sick, they put all of their contacts at great risk, and that their hospital stay will be a very lonely one.

You and your daughter should make sure they have the basic knowledge and tools for cutting down their risk: Handwashing, hand sanitizer in the car and at home, masks up when they enter a building or encounter anyone, maintaining appropriate distance when they are with others.

You are treating your parents like toddlers, and they are responding like teenagers, so stop. You won’t be able to spend time with them until the all- clear, but that is a consequence of the choices they are making.

Dear Amy: My brother and his wife have been borrowing money from my father.

They have not paid him back, and now they are not speaking to each other.

When I visit my father, he will ask me if I have heard anything from my brother.

My father expects me to speak to my brother about paying him back, but I don’t want to be the middleman.

My brother also has put me in a tough spot. He doesn’t want me to tell my father about his health problems, which he says is why they haven’t paid Dad back.

I’ve asked my brother to please talk to Dad. They are both very stubborn.

I know Dad will be upset with me for not telling him about my brother’s health. What should I do?

In the Middle

Dear Middle: In theory, I agree with your stance, but you might be able to offer a pathway out.

Tell your brother, “Sorry. I can’t keep this secret for you. It has put me in a terrible position, and now it is affecting my relationship with both you and Dad.”

The next time you are with your dad, call your brother from your phone, and after he answers, hand it to your dad, saying, “Here. You two need to catch up.”