Nurturer’s enabling side

Dear Amy: My live- in boyfriend of four years is selfish, defiant, impatient and impossible to talk to.

I always end up giving up before he rages and confuses me by turning every conversation around.

I love him so much. I know he loves me too. But sometimes, I need him to grow up.

I have a 15- year- old son, who was born when I was 22. I was forced to grow up fast. My boyfriend has never lived with a girlfriend before and doesn’t have children.

But I’m a mother and a nurturer. I love taking care of “my boys,” but it is never reciprocated. He can’t do anything for himself. I am expected to do everything! He works from home and usually starts drinking at around noon. He averages around 15 beers a day.

I have been sober for one year. Talking to him in the evening is out of the question. He is a complete jerk when he has been drinking.

How do I talk to him about his selfishness? My good feelings toward him are starting to change. I have pulled away and stopped “spoiling” him like I used to.

Feeling Different

Dear Different: Talk is cheap, and impossible if the person you are trying to reason with is drunk and belligerent.

What you see as your own nurturing behavior, I see as enabling. There is a distinction between care of my boys” and actually promoting your alcoholic partner’s selfish behavior. You are doing the latter.

I think it might clarify your next move if you examined, recognized and held yourself accountable for your role in this household dynamic. Kids look to the members of their household for models of how to be. What man does your son have as a role model? That drunk guy on the couch.

Most important, perhaps, is the effect that this chaos could have on your own sobriety. Attend sobriety- support meetings. Seek perspective from your own circle of loved ones, and listen carefully to what they tell you

Understand that you will not change your partner but you can definitely change yourself.

Dear Amy: I am an old man who has acquired many f irearms during my life. It’s the right time to get rid of many of my possessions and I’m conflicted as to whether I should sell these f irearms or simply have them destroyed.

On one hand, I could use the money. On the other, I don’t want any harm done by whoever ends up with these items. Advice, please?

Looking to Unload

Dear Looking: I applaud both your choice and your concern about your firearms collection. You should sell these f irearms and have them destroyed through a gun buyback program.

Do some research online and by calling your local police department to see if there is a buyback event happening soon near where you live.

Buyback programs purchase firearms from individuals and then destroy the firearms purchased.

A relatively new organization, Gun by Gun ( gunx gun. org), aims to take more guns out of circulation through gun buybacks. . The organization accepts f inancial donations from the public and then uses this money to sponsor gun buyback events, working with law enforcement and gun ranges to ensure the guns are properly destroyed.