Hurt by a webcam habit

Dear Amy: I am newly married to a man I’ve been in a relationship with for three years. We have three children and we both work.

I understand that all of this can put a strain on our intimacy. I feel like he turns down my sexual advances frequently. I chalked it up to him being worn out from work, etc.

Trust has never been an issue in our relationship before. However, going on instinct, I checked his phone. His search history showed that he was paying for and had subscribed to webcam videos from a woman who is very wild-looking and is built nothing like me.

He has admitted his problem, apologized and sworn never to do that again, but I am having trust issues now, and I feel insecure.

I feel like he chose that over me. How can I get past this and be happy again?

Insecure

Dear Insecure: To paraphrase one of my favorite lines from poet Robert Frost, you can only get past this by going through it. And you can only do that with your husband by your side.

He violated your trust by paying a woman to simulate sex for him on a webcam. You violated his trust by catching him.

You seem to have discussed this episode, at least to the point where he quickly admitted to the impact of his choice. He obviously feels guilty.

Your husband’s sex habit in his virtual life might have created or exacerbated sexual dysfunction in his real life. Or sexual dysfunction or anxiety in his real life might have led him down this virtual path.

You two must talk about this, and you should talk about it until everything — all of your thoughts, fears and feelings — have been revealed.

You should both vow to be completely honest and nonjudgmental in discussing this.

Dear Amy: Please do your research before suggesting that people try online dating. Have you not heard about catfishing and scams?

Sadly, I’ve been doing it for far more years than I care to admit, and I will tell you firsthand that the men on most sites these days are far from “available and looking!”

Upset

Dear Upset: I have used online matching, myself.

Two of my five daughters met their partners through online matching.

According to a Pew Research study published last year, an estimated 33% of American adults say they have used a dating app, while one in 10 have met their spouses or committed partners online, either through matching services or through social media.

The same study points out that people do not have a universally good experience meeting potential partners this way.

According to the study, “Six in 10 female users ages 18 to 34 say someone on a dating site or app continued to contact them after they said they were not interested, while 57% report that another user has sent them a sexually explicit message or image they didn’t ask for. At the same time, 44% report that someone called them an offensive name on a dating site or app, while 19% say they have had someone threaten to physically harm them.”

As with any product, anyone using online matching should do their due diligence.