Worry over family secret

Dear Amy: My wife’s brother recently died. A couple of weeks after the funeral, his daughter (our niece) received a letter from a halfbrother that she was unaware of. The letter was addressed to her recently deceased father, from a man (his biological son) who was trying to find information about him after the death of his own adoptive parents.

Our niece was not sure if we knew of his existence, as neither she nor her brother knew. They also did not know if their mother (who had been married to their dad for almost 60 years) was aware of this, as their mom had not yet met their dad when this son was born.

When my wife was 15, she knew that her brother had impregnated his high school girlfriend. This was in the early ’60s, and the girl’s parents decided to take her out of state for the pregnancy and then place the child for adoption.

My wife feels she is in a no-win situation. If she lets it slip that she knew about this and her sister-in-law did not know about this other child, then her niece and nephew may be upset with her. If she says nothing and somehow it gets out, then her sister-inlaw would be upset she did not tell her earlier.

I hope you have some words of wisdom that will put my wife at ease with whatever she does. Torn in Seattle

Dear Torn: The most obvious answer is that this tough knowledge was not your wife’s to share. She was 15 years old when her brother fathered a child.

Yes, she should be honest about this now. She may be the only person in her brother’s generation who knows the truth. She can say that she had hoped/assumed that her brother would have disclosed this to at least his wife, and that it was absolutely his story to tell.

That is the most reasonable and truthful explanation. If her niece, nephew and sister-in-law are upset with her, she should understand that she is the only person left for them to be upset with but that eventually they should come to understand her unique position regarding this very challenging family secret.

Dear Amy: My 38-year-old daughter won’t allow her three children to stay with me while they’re out of town for two days.

She lives out of state. I’m going to fly to her house and stay for two weeks to watch their dog and house while the five of them go on vacation. Then, after the family returns home, my daughter and son-in-law are going to go away for two nights without the kids. I will already be at the house, but instead of having the kids stay with me, they will all go to their other grandmother’s house to stay for those two days.

I’m really hurt. My daughter and I have had a tough relationship but it’s been eight years since the bad times. Should I say or do anything?

Left Out

Dear Left Out: You don’t mention the magnitude of your behavior during the “bad times,” but it sounds to me as if your daughter is being extra-careful and cautious. After all, that’s her job.

When you’re a parent, if you have reservations about something or someone the smartest thing to do is to pay attention to your instincts. Your daughter has been honest with you.

I hope you will spend some time with the entire family in order to continue to reintegrate into their lives. I give you credit for trying.