Losing a friend to hatred

Dear Amy: “Cynthia” and I have been close for 24 years. For most of that time, we have met for lunch once a week (when possible). We are both women over 60.

I have a 22-year-old granddaughter who is gay.

Cynthia has decided that I am “too accepting” of gayness and has told me she can no longer be my friend.

She has gay family members whom she shuns; she told me she wanted me to shun my granddaughter. I will not do that.

Cynthia has four grandchildren under the age of 10. Any of them could be gay.

I asked if we could agree to disagree, and she refused.

My friend has many fine qualities, and I enjoyed her company. But I realize I am much better off without her hatred in my life.

Was it wrong of me to be willing to “agree to disagree” in order to remain friends with Cynthia? Is that disrespectful to gay people?

Worried

Dear Worried: Many people make choices to tolerate someone whose views are diametrically opposed to their own. I believe there are valid reasons to do this, among them the hope that you can inf luence the person to change their thinking.

Some people also try to lovingly accept those whose views they abhor, as a form of radical acceptance. Also, deep and long-term friendship does mean that we see and accept that our friends are flawed, just as we are.

Where this goes awry is when your friend demanded you adopt her hateful views. In the end, she rejected you for refusing to hate. This shows how irredeemable she is, and why you are now wondering why you walked even partway toward her.

Allow your guilt about your acquiescence to be your teacher. To be a true ally, you must reject hatred and not “agree to disagree” when the matter at hand involves human beings who are simply being human.

I think you should feel sorry for this former friend of yours, and relieved to be shunned by her. No doubt, you are in good company.

Dear Amy: I am part of a referral group of professionals. We meet weekly. One of our members is an attorney who wears badly fitted suits.

He is in his early 30s and is in great shape.

The attorney is super-great but I want to advise him to get a better suit. I have seen his photo on his social media, and he looks somewhat dumpy.

I am in a different profession, and I am a lot older, but I believe that he needs to look less frumpy.

I have met his wife and she is very fashionable, but I don’t know them well.

My instincts are not to say anything since he is a bit sensitive.

What should I do? Nothing? Speak to his wife?

Not Really a Fashionista

Dear Not Really: A business referral group is a networking group whose purpose is to refer potential clients to one another.

Does his baggy suit affect his expertise? Do your age or hairstyle affect yours?

The answer, I guess, is mainly not.

Your group might host seminars or work sessions, reviewing fellow members’ social media profiles and offering suggestions about how to improve their public posture. This would be the time to offer gentle wardrobe suggestions (and to accept suggestions in return).

Outside of that context, you should keep your views to yourself.