She’s not the one to ask

Dear Amy: My sister-inlaw told me that she was molested as a teenager. She told her mother after it happened, to which her mother replied: “Everyone loses their virginity somehow.”

Not surprisingly, my sister-in-law has a difficult relationship with her mother, and my mother-in-law is not happy about it.

My husband does not have any idea that this occurred and blames his sister for the poor relationship with their mother.

His mother often asks me if l know why my sister-inlaw is distant from her.

Should l tell my husband or mother-in-law the truth or just take this to my grave?

My sister-in-law holds all her emotions in and will not talk to her mom about it. Very Concerned

Dear Concerned: Encourage your sister-in-law to seek professional help in order to process what happened to her, as well as her mother’s (heartless) response.

Why did she disclose this to you? Is she hoping that you will mediate? Has she asked you to?

This trauma, and the pressure of holding her emotions in, continues to affect her and her relationships. She has been violated and then betrayed — her trust in you is something you should treasure and protect.

I don’t think it would be fruitful for you to attempt to mediate with her mother, but because you are married to her brother, and he blames his sister for her relationship problems, you should encourage her to disclose this to him.

You could ask her if she would like your help in talking to him. That might help her feel safer and supported.

When your mother-inlaw asks you why her daughter is so distant, you should respond: “You are asking the wrong person. I hope you two can work things out.”

Dear Amy: My son turns 35 this summer. We have been estranged for three years.

He is an only child who had a nice, safe, happy childhood with no abuse. We were always close. He married and moved away 10 years ago. After he moved, I became aware of mental health issues and substance abuse.

He was unemployed and spiraling.

Over the years I loaned him a lot of money that he never paid back, so when he asked for a very large sum three years ago and I said no, he called me every foul word under the sun and cut me out of his life.

I’ve struggled to move on and am managing, at least until people who know I have a son, but don’t know about the estrangement, press me for updates on how he is.

I find myself lying to give them a “normal” story.

Can you advise me on an answer for these people that ends the conversation but isn’t rude? This is a very personal story. Used to Be Mom

Dear Used to Be Mom:

Estrangement is not uncommon, although it often goes unacknowledged — for the very reasons you don’t want to discuss it: estrangements are often complex and confusing, and can be a source of shame or embarrassment.

But spinning a complete fiction about his life isn’t healthy for you.

I hope you will find a version of the truth which isn’t too painful to deliver. You might say, “My son has had a tough time lately. Unfortunately, we aren’t in touch.”

Most people will accept this, but if someone presses, practice saying, “I don’t want to discuss it. Thank you for understanding.”

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.