A sober spouse hits a wall

Dear Amy: I am so conflicted about what to do regarding my marriage. Back in 2010, I quit drinking. My husband promised to quit with me.

Unfortunately, he is still drinking heavily. I have expressed my need to be with a sober husband. He has promised to stop drinking. He even went to a hospital to detox. This lasted for seven weeks but ultimately failed because he did not participate in a follow-up plan.

The hospital diagnosed him as depressed and alcoholic. He took his meds for six weeks and then stopped. He is very hard to live with. He has never hit me, but the verbal abuse gets bad.

I told him that if we are going to stay together, the drinking has to stop. He agreed to this but keeps drinking.

I started attending counseling for myself. Today he told me that he doesn’t like how he feels when he’s drinking but he doesn’t know how to stay sober. I again offered to help with inpatient rehab and a follow-up plan but he insists he can do this on his own.

I keep reminding him that if he continues to drink, I will file for divorce. He is just so used to me putting up with it! I do love him but living with a drunken husband sucks the life out of me.

Ready for Change

Dear Ready: When you’re truly ready for a change, you will make that change, instead of expecting your alcohol-addicted husband to make it for you.

I hope you will review your choices, and your reactions, with your counselor. Also, attend a support group like Al-Anon (al-anon.org).

I suggest that if you remove your own need to monitor and respond to your husband’s drinking, your husband will have one less reason to avoid treatment.

My point is that you are alternately pushing him to stop and then cushioning him when he doesn’t. You are absorbing some of the real consequences of his drinking, which for him might be having to face and choose treatment for his depression without you distracting him by making empty threats to leave. Your conflicted feelings are keeping both of you in place.

Did you get sober for your husband’s sake? (No, you didn’t.) Will he get sober for your sake? (It’s doubtful.) He must do this for himself.

You have fought for your own sobriety. You have a duty to make a protective and healthy choice for yourself, and to let your husband learn how to fight for his own sobriety.

Heartbreaking as it is for you, you may need to continue to love your husband from a safer distance. If it’s time for you to leave the marriage, then leave it without any bargains in place.

Dear Amy: A friend of mine met a lovely man whom she started dating. She found out that he is married to a woman who has Alzheimer’s.

My friend goes to his house to care for his wife and to help him out. He is a married man! Is it me, or is this a little strange?

Wondering

Dear Wondering: I think it’s you. You don’t seem to have any personal insight into this situation, given that you don’t know the man or his wife.

Your friend’s presence in the household might be a very good thing for all of the people involved.

I don’t think this is a situation where you as a friend should necessarily sit in judgment.