It’s up to ex to reveal truth
Dear Amy: After we divorced (decades ago), at some point my ex-husband told me that he was the father of another boy (he and I have two sons).
He said the woman had used him as a “sperm donor” without his knowledge and that she wasn’t interested in him playing any role in the child’s life, nor did she want any money from him.
I’ve kept his secret for a couple of decades. My sons are now 39 and 36. I’m wondering if I should tell them that they have a half-sibling, since their father clearly hasn’t. I think I’d want to know if I were in their shoes.
I’m no longer on good terms with my ex, and I fear his anger if I were to ask him whether he plans to tell them. What do you think? I’d hate them to think I was telling them in order to put their father in a bad light.
Unsure
Dear Unsure: This is the very definition of “not your business.” And yet, because these are your sons, you can tell yourself that knowing about a half-brother is important for them, or that at the very least they should know about this because their well-being is your business.
Given the ubiquity of
DNA testing these days, there is some likelihood that these brothers will all stumble across one another at some point.
There is no need to shame, blame or push this; you could tell your ex (using a neutral tone) that this has been on your mind lately and that you think he should consider disclosing it to your sons.
(Obviously, if your ex is frightening or dangerous and if this contact would put you at risk, you should not do so, but if all you really fear is your own discomfort at being told to mind your own business, then you might risk it.)
However, I believe you should leave any actual disclosure up to him. Dear Amy: My niece is planning her destination wedding. I am happy for her and her beau, but my dilemma is that she does not plan to invite her mother (my sister) because they do not get along.
In fact, they have not spoken in more than a year. I have been invited but I am concerned that my attendance would be devastating to my relationship with my sister.
I realize the guest list is my niece’s choice, but I am torn. Do you have recommendations?
Torn Aunt
Dear Torn: If your sister’s relationship with her daughter has deteriorated to the point where they don’t speak, then your sister likely anticipates that she will not be invited to the wedding.
Your choice will rest to some extent on how you perceive and understand this estrangement. Does this tattered mother/daughter relationship mean that all of your sister’s family members must follow suit and reject her daughter?
A person who demands blind loyalty should not be in charge of your relationships, and if you decline to attend because you are afraid of your sister’s reaction toward you, then this speaks to a serious imbalance in your sisterly relationship.
However, this situation is bound to make a mother feel sad and regretful. You might say to your sister, “I’ve been invited to ‘Annie’s’ wedding, and I plan to attend. I’m not doing this to hurt you, and I certainly wish you could be there. I’m sorry you won’t be.”