Compassion a heavy lift

Dear Amy: I have been invited to a family event. One of the other guests, a relative, recently was arrested for possessing child pornography.

I want to make it very clear that as far as I know, he has not physically abused any children. My wife refuses to attend. I’ve known this man my entire life. I have always liked him. Naturally, I was shocked, confused and disgusted when I found out the circumstances surrounding his failed suicide attempt.

I am trying to wrap my head around how I can separate my love for a family member when they carry such a horrific history/situation/illness.

I am asking you this question (instead of another family member) because I do not know who in my family knows what. I do not think it is my responsibility to share this information with anyone (especially since there won’t be any children attending the affair).

How can I hug him and have a conversation when I am repulsed by what he has done? And if I can, is that the “right” thing to do?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: An embrace is not an endorsement. What I mean is that ideally, you would be able to show compassion and concern toward a fellow human being without affirming his reprehensible actions.

This is a heavy lift, because others in your circle are not only judging him but will also judge you. (Your wife, for instance, might judge you harshly for even being in this man’s presence.)

I think it’s important to remember that even people who have committed horrific acts have innocent family members who are greatly affected and heartbroken. Your family member might have a mother, siblings, cousins and others who love him but are now pulled into a dark space because of what he has done.

You being kind toward him might comfort them. I suggest that you greet him and tell him, “I’ve heard that you are going through a very tough time, and I’m sorry.”

Dear Amy: I live in a northern state in the Midwest and my sibling lives in the South (where my parents live, as well).

For years I have flown to visit them for almost every other holiday so we can be together. My sibling has never, in 20 years, f lown here for

Thanksgiving. And she has flown here for Christmas only twice.

She was planning to come here with her family last Christmas but we had to cancel because of the pandemic. She promised she would come this year.

Their niece, who lives here in the North, is getting married a week before Christmas. My sister told me that she would come up for the wedding or Christmas, but not both, because she didn’t want to stay a full eight days with us.

Am I being too sensitive and demanding in wanting them to stay for both?

Should I just lower my expectations and assume that I will never see them here for any holidays?

Sad and Disappointed

Dear Disappointed: Yes, you should lower your expectations. Your sister is giving you the benefit of total honesty regarding her capabilities.

You sound extremely generous and fortunate. You are lucky to feel close enough to your sister to actually long for her company. I hope you will accept her limitations.