Warning potential victims
Dear Amy: Several years ago, I was physically attacked and seriously injured by a man I had dated, on and off, for several years. I had him arrested. He was charged and received one year’s probation. I was granted a restraining order.
My issue is with his family. After the attack, his sisters informed me that: He was a pathological liar, he had served jail time for felony DWI, he had a history of sponging off of women and family members, and his exwife had divorced him because of his alcoholism.
I saw them a number of times throughout our relationship and was friends with both on Facebook, yet neither of them ever said one word to me about their brother.
I now check their FB regularly to see if their brother is dating anyone. Because if he is, I intend to tell her everything. So far, nothing. But I think that warning potential victims is their responsibility, not mine. What do you think?
Seriously Concerned
Dear Concerned: I can understand why you harbor feelings of bitterness toward this entire family, but by placing responsibility for protecting women onto these sisters, you seem to be asking them basically to police their brother.
I agree that once they became aware that you were in a longer-term relationship with him, these sisters should have notified you of his terrible track record and felony conviction.
However, the sibling relationship is vastly different from an intimate partner relationship. They don’t have the option of not being related to him. He might be as menacing toward them as he was toward you. Or they might have believed that he had changed during his relationship with you.
Yes, if you become aware that he is dating someone, you should warn her. Understand that anything you commit to writing (on Facebook messenger, for instance) can be shared, so be cautious. Your warning could save another woman from harm.
Dear Amy: Through a DNA website, I recently connected with a daughter I gave up for adoption 40 years ago.
This connection has been a lovely experience, and we both look forward to many more years spent getting to know each other.
My husband and I have two grown daughters who have met this woman and her family, and everyone gets along.
The adopted daughter is very successful professionally and financially. Our two daughters are solidly middle-class, as are we.
Our dilemma is: How shall we divvy up our assets in our will? Should we discuss this with them? Advice, please!
Struggling
Dear Struggling: It is inspiring to learn of a successful and peaceful familybuilding experience of the sort you are experiencing.
I’m amazed at how often I receive questions about how to divide assets, when the answer is always: However you want! It is wisest to discuss this with an experienced and qualified estate planning attorney.
I am of the definite opinion that you should not discuss this with your daughters during the planning phase. At this point, even though the decision will ultimately have an impact on them, your decision-making process is none of their business.