Explore legacy of trauma

Dear Amy: I am the oldest of 13 first cousins on one side of the family. Many of these cousins are considerably younger than I (up to 21 years younger), and grew up many miles away from the extended family. As a result, these cousins are not privy to a lot of family history that I learned from the time I was quite young.

Now, two of these younger cousins have approached me to “fill in the blanks” for them.

My younger cousins do not know that in the early years of the Depression, my parent and two young siblings were abandoned by their father when their mother became gravely ill.

My parent was placed with an uncle and his family, who provided a loving home. The second sibling was adopted by a couple who sexually abused the child and ultimately returned the child to “the system.” There was a subsequent non-family placement that lasted until that child reached the age of majority.

The third child was placed with a family in the community, where that child was beaten and presumably also sexually abused. When the authorities learned of this, the child was removed from the home and placed with a family member.

The consequences of this upbringing were quite devastating. Although all three married and had children, one sibling eventually committed suicide. The other abandoned their own family for weeks at a time.

I am torn about how to respond. Part of me says, “Family secrets are not healthy.” Another part of me says, “This is not your story to tell.” What should I do?

Torn Cousin

Dear Torn: I think you should tell a version of this story that illustrates the extreme challenges your elder family members faced, but only include details that are verifiable, respecting the privacy of any living elder family members who were primary victims.

You can use old photos to try to build a portrait of the trauma and displacement that your family (and many others) endured during and after the Depression.

I assume that subsequent generations of your family have recovered (somewhat) from this displacement and trauma, but for some of your cousins, this story could help them to understand the temperament and behavior of some of their elders.

Dear Amy: I dated a divorced man for 26 years, and I’m still kicking myself. There was a 22-year age difference between us.

I thought we had a wonderful relationship. We didn’t live together (thank God) — he had his place and l had mine.

Long story short, he passed away five years ago. After he died, several of his friends and siblings decided to tell me that he was the father of a 9-year-old and that the son will be well taken care of until he comes of age.

My question is why did these people never share this information with me prior to his death? l knew absolutely nothing about this relationship. I am annoyed at the people who are telling me now, especially his one sibling who claims to love me so much.

In the Dark

Dear In the Dark: I agree with you that keeping this a secret is a betrayal of your friendship. The way to find out what motivates people is to ask them. You will then decide how to respond.