Yearning for connection

Dear Amy: I grew up with a mom whom I could never trust to reliably “show up.”

She was an alcoholic until I was 7, and I was sent back and forth between my father and her while she went through relationships with several men. She had a sober period from when I was 7 until I was 13, and then she remarried and had two more children. Once I went to college, I was no longer invited home, and this continued even after I was married.

Now my kids are teens and they don’t know her at all. She never invites us for Christmas celebrations with my stepdad and half-siblings.

Am I right to feel burdened and frustrated? I’ve yearned for close family connections but feel like my efforts have not panned out or been reciprocated.

How do I find that connection I’ve yearned for?

Distressed

Dear Distressed: You question your own feelings, which is what people do when they’ve experienced chaos and dislocation in childhood.

Childhood is when humans learn to inhabit and express their authentic feelings. Competent, sober and reliable parents guide children through this process. You were denied this in your childhood.

One way to find the connection you’ve yearned for since childhood is to continue to nurture this connection with your own children.

Sadly, you will not receive this nurturing from your mother. She cannot give what she does not have. Learning to release your own expectations (without guilt) will be liberating for you.

You would benefit from connecting with others through an Adult Children of Alcoholics group (adult children.org).

Dear Amy: I am responding to the question in your column from “Guilty Bystander,” written by an adult who had become aware of a rumor that a male teacher from her high school had had a sexual relationship with an underage female student.

As the retired head of health education of a large urban capital city school system in the United States and with more than three decades of teaching in my résumé, I can unequivocally agree with your advice to Bystander, who posed the question about their role in reporting what might prove to be a serious, life-changing criminal act.

If the horrific treatment of our Team USA gymnasts has taught us anything, I would hope we begin to learn that it is everyone’s responsibility to speak up.

If you don’t speak up, you are part of the problem rather than the solution.

A (former) Mandated Reporter

Dear Reporter: None of the gymnast survivors of Dr. Larry Nassar’s abuse consented to this behavior, while the implication from “Guilty Bystander” was that this (rumored) sexual relationship between teacher and underage student was thought to be consensual.

However, as I pointed out in my answer, there is a reason the law supports a legal age of consent. The power differential between adult and underage person, or teacher and student, can easily lead to exploitation.

I’ve heard from many people expressing concern about the rights of a teacher who might be wrongly accused. I understand this concern, but adults have the duty to report, and institutions must investigate.