Mom needs some friends

Dear Amy: My mom and I are best friends. My parents had a storybook romance. They met as children and were married for 32 years until my dad was taken from our lives by cancer, when he was 60 — 20 years ago.

My mom has been heartbroken since. She longs for fun and to meet people but can’t get out to do it.

I have tried everything — classes, moving to different towns in hopes of finding a close and fun community, moving her into an elder community ...

I know I can’t make her do things, but she continually tells me she would “do anything to meet a nice man and have some friends.”

Her father was verbally abusive and she has no selfconfidence because of him.

I am eager to learn if you might have any ideas or advice for my mom. She is a young 76, and loves to have fun, laugh, and do things with people. But her life for the last 20 years has been very lonely and quiet.

I know she needs to do things for herself, but she doesn’t use the computer, and I try to at least find possibilities that might open up some social life for her, and to find some friends. Frustrated and

Sad Daughter

Dear Frustrated: You are your mother’s best friend. It is possible that if the two of you had allowed one another to differentiate so you could be her daughter instead of her best (and only) friend, she might have developed skills and tools to relate to people more on her own.

You have made all of these efforts on her behalf and have even written to me for more ideas for things you could do for her. I hope you see where I’m going.

She needs help from someone other than you, and she deserves the empowered feeling of discovery when she makes efforts on her own. You deserve to move forward with a relationship with her that isn’t defined solely by her needs.

The next time she expresses her dissatisfaction and desires, tell her you’re out of ideas. Does she have any ideas? Ask: Are there things she (not you) could do to change the outcome?

She would benefit from compassionate therapy.

Also, an elderhostel experience might be enriching and empowering for her. Check Roadscholar.org for programs.

Dear Amy: I have been estranged from my mother and siblings for years. My brother is clinically a sociopath and my mother has spent her life defending all of his hurtful behavior. For example, I was in the hospital. When my brother heard that I was ill, he responded with “Good, I hope she dies.” My mother just laughed!

Amy, I have many serious health issues, and recently found out that I have cancer.

I feel like I should try to let them know. I know it’s important to share family medical history, and my siblings have young children. To be clear: I do not want a relationship. They have hurt me too many times.

Should I try to contact them? What should I say?

Cancer Fighter in PA

Dear Cancer Fighter: You should ask your medical team for guidance, but I don’t believe that you are ethically required to contact your family. If you do, you might want to set up a separate account from which to email them. That way, you can read — or not read — any responses.

Keep your statement short and factual. Say, “I’m fighting this illness, and hope to do well.”