Left out of family photos

Dear Amy: My husband “Dave” and I have been together for almost 10 years. Dave is one of four sons.

There have been a number of occasions in which I and other in-laws are excluded from ”family photos.”

We’ve been married for four years and have a child. I am still being left out.

This occurred at my own wedding, when to my horror I learned that my mother-inlaw had requested a picture from our photographer of only her parents and siblings — without their spouses.

Other times, she’ll request a “family photo” to include only her, her husband and their four sons.

I was raised in a family that embraced the everchanging dynamic of families, where both blood and non-blood members were considered equally.

One of Dave’s brothers is now married, another engaged, but his family still seems reluctant to welcome these changes.

I have expressed my hurt to Dave, and he has talked with his parents. The bloodonly family photos have not stopped; his mother has just become more discreet about requesting them.

Am I being overly sensitive?

Feeling Left Out Dear Feeling: The way I read your question, the inlaws are not being left out of all family photos but you resent the fact that you are not included in all family photos.

I think it is cool when parents and siblings get together to re-create some of their group photos from childhood. I treasure the one photo I have of my mother and her sisters, taken later in life — just the four of them together, as in childhood.

It seems your mother-inlaw does this “family photo” thing a lot, and I assume this symbolizes other ways in which you feel excluded.

There can be a specific dynamic between mothers and sons that can feel like an exclusive club, where daughters-in-law are tacitly treated like interlopers.

The best way to counter this attitude is to continue to embody the inclusive values you were raised with, and to make sure your mother-inlaw does not extend this attitude toward your child.

The next time his mother makes a move, your husband should say with a smile, “Wait a minute. Not without my sweetheart.”

Dear Amy: My fiancé comes from a family with money. I grew up very poor.

My fiancé wants a large wedding; I only have a handful of people to invite.

He wants to be involved in all decisions but doesn’t want to talk about the wedding because he believes there’s not much to it.

We aren’t fighting over the things the internet says it’s normal to fight about.

We are fighting because I can’t make decisions without him but he doesn’t want to talk about it “all the time.”

Should I tell him to design the wedding he wants?

Peeved Planner

Dear Peeved: Your fiancé is wrong. There is a lot to planning a wedding, and — as couples have discovered since time immemorial — many details to argue about.

One way to approach this is for you to divide chores and then schedule once-aweek planning sessions to discuss the wedding and make decisions together.

You could also hire a wedding planner, although you’d still have to discuss plans.

If your fiancé isn’t cooperating and is dismissing your efforts to plan the wedding of his dreams and design, then yes — happily let him take over the planning.