Enabling is an addiction
Dear Amy: I am an enabler. And it’s killing me. How can I stop?
My brother has been in and out of prison for the past 15 years. I enabled him in prison by sending him money, and now he’s back and using me for money, food, rides and anything else he can sucker out of me.
Why do I do it? Because I feel guilty that I have so much, and I don’t want to feel responsible for him being homeless or forcing him to steal again to support his gambling habit.
I also enable my siblings (who have both disowned our criminal brother) because I do 90% of the care for our elderly mother.
I do her shopping, medications, appointments, finances and home repairs. They help but I’ve joked that should I drop dead, they’d all be in trouble. They make no effort to learn to do these tasks. Why should they? They have me to do them.
I’m exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. I have no life caring for my mom (which I willingly do).
I need to block my brother on my cellphone. Why can’t I?
How do I break this vicious cycle? Desperate for
a Way Out
Dear Desperate: Your addiction is taking a considerable toll on you.
I refer to enabling as an addiction because you realize you are doing it, you see the negative consequences, you are desperate to stop, and yet you believe that you are powerless to control your own behavior.
You need a lightbulb moment (or 10) to fully understand that your behavior is actually contributing to your brother’s. He is a criminal and a manipulator, and you are providing him with just enough of his ”drug” (money) to keep him in his addiction. He has no hope of recovery as long as you continue. If it weren’t for you priming the pump, he might have hit the skids years ago and eventually found a way to get his life together.
And yes, he might NOT have gotten his life together.
Enabling at your level is actually a bid for control. Some of the same impulses that your brother experiences (anxiety, the need to keep negative feelings at bay) are at play in your DNA too. He has the advantage of not caring. But he doesn’t have to care about his actions; you’re doing it for him.
You need to understand that your love is going to have to be enough.
This is textbook “codependency.” YOU deserve treatment. A counselor could support you.
The “bible” of codependency is “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself,” by Melodie Beattie (1986, Hazelden).
Dear Amy: I have been on the internet dating scene for a while.
Sadly, it seems that most of the men I have dealt with appear to be juggling multiple women.
They have confused me with other women by addressing emails to the wrong person; they have promised me a lot and then dropped everything when something better comes along, etc.
It is a game for many men, while the women generally are serious about making a connection.
This is the truth from the front lines of dating.
L
Dear L: I assume some sites are more focused on lasting relationships.
This past year I attended three weddings, all brought about by internet matching.