Finding a separate peace

Dear Amy: I am a 35-yearold professional woman, recently separated from my husband of nine years.

Our marriage has been rife with volatility due to his uncontrollable anger and my tumultuous relationship with alcohol.

That being said, we have worked through most of our issues. He’s my best friend.

I’m in therapy and have a treatment team that has helped me to overcome my alcohol abuse disorder, as well as years of insecurity, codependency and anxiety.

I’m in a good place and don’t have room in my life for violence, anger and abuse.

My husband and I recently got into an argument where he put his hands on me to remove me from a room. I was shocked that he would do this when we were both sober.

He has since been apologetic and has enrolled in anger management therapy. I’ve wanted him to do this for years, but I fear it might be too late.

I have a graduate degree and am an assertive, independent woman who doesn’t take any nonsense.

With this situation, however, I feel anything but those things.

Am I completely off my rocker to think things might still work between us? Or should I cut my losses and try to start my life over?

Woeful Woman

Dear Woeful: You should not risk your physical or emotional safety — or your sobriety — in order to live with your husband.

It seems that the majority of your time together has been marked by anger and strife — on both sides. Can you two move forward in a relationship where many of the triggers might remain but all of your familiar coping mechanisms have been removed? You’ll have to see.

In your sobriety program, I assume that you have become acquainted with the “one day at a time” model.

Thinking of this as all-ornothing might not be the wisest course right now.

Remain separated so you can both experience what life is like when you’re actually living differently as individuals in recovery.

The answer to your dilemma is likely to present itself over the course of the next six months or so.

Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been together for about five years. We’re progressing personally, professionally and as a couple.

We are ready to take the next step. She wants to move to Florida. She wants me to come too, but she plans to go one way or the other in the next year or two.

I love Florida but all of my friends and family are here in New England. My mom is independent and doesn’t necessarily rely on me, but she would be devastated if I left.

Since my dad died (about 10 years ago), my sister and mom have relied on me to be there for them. I would miss being there for them too.

I love my girlfriend more than anything and I don’t want to lose her, but I’m not sure I’m ready to move away from my home and everyone I know.

How can I make this decision — one way or the other?

Uncertain

Dear Uncertain: Start by very honestly trying to decode your own motivations. Are you genuinely necessary to your family, or are you afraid to move?

You don’t need a definitive answer right now. After your girlfriend moves, you could transition to a longdistance relationship, which should help you to clarify your priorities.