Los Angeles Times

Not taking hint on gifts

- Email questions to Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickins­on.com.

Dear Amy: After many years of exchanging gifts with my brother-in-law and his wife, my husband and I decided we didn’t want to do it anymore. We are trying to get rid of things. We have too much stuff !

The gifts were getting more extravagan­t; some we didn’t like or use (and gifts we’d given them ended up in their garage sale, so this was mutual). It was sucking the joy out of the holidays.

We politely said we no longer wanted to exchange holiday or birthday gifts. They ignored our request.

The first year, we were given Christmas presents and had nothing for them. I was embarrasse­d and reiterated that we didn’t want to do this anymore and that their gifts made me uncomforta­ble.

The next time my birthday gift arrived with a card that said it was from their dog, so technicall­y it wasn’t from them. Ha-ha.

I fluctuate between feeling like the Grinch and being angry at being disrespect­ed.

How should we handle this?

Not Gifted

Dear Not: The negative spin on this is that your inlaws are being deliberate­ly disrespect­ful.

Another way to see this is that they are as filled with anxiety about gift-giving as you are about receiving — and can’t find a way to stop.

The clue that they understand your message and intent — but may not be able to stop — is when they sent a gift “from” their dog.

Because your very reasonable and direct communicat­ion has not been respected, try giving them a specific directive: “We understand your desire to be generous gift givers, even though we really don’t want to receive. Can you direct your giving to a favorite local charity on our behalf? That would mean a lot to us.”

If, despite all this, you continue to receive gifts, donate them and let it go.

Dear Amy: My kids are now in their 40s and have children of their own.

I’ve enjoyed selecting “just the right gift” for each grandchild. I liked to visualize delight in the child’s eyes receiving a wrapped gift in the mail from their grandparen­ts.

On occasion, we’ll get a thank-you note but, more often than not, nothing.

Before Christmas last year, we got a formal letter typed on my son’s business letterhead telling us that their child “doesn’t need any more of your toys and clothes.” It demanded that we add money to the child’s new bank account. Deposit slips were enclosed.

We were shocked. While perhaps they should get points for being practical, the kids are very young, and I find this directive offensive. What to do?

Grandma in AZ

Dear Grandma: This letter was particular­ly cold and unkind. But many young and prosperous families do complain about their children receiving an overabunda­nce of gifts.

You might choose to accept their directive, with a slight twist. You could let this family know that in future, you will send the child a card, and if you choose to give money to the child, you will place the funds into an account that you set up, turning it over to the child at some future date.

I hope you will turn your material generosity toward children who really value it, donating gifts to your local Toys for Tots campaign, or your local children’s hospital’s holiday appeal.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United States