Enabling addict harms all

Dear Amy: I am a recovering alcoholic, celebrating seven years of sobriety.

A dear friend of over 30 years, “Brett,” is in a relationship with an alcoholic woman, “Emily.”

He has rescued her from drunk-driving accidents before the police arrived. He has picked her up from work for being drunk at lunchtime. The list goes on and on.

Emily lives with her elderly mother. Emily’s mother asked me to speak with her, and I did.

Everyone agrees that Emily needs help but nobody will take action. Emily cannot make any reasonable decisions for herself.

Brett and the mother alternate weekends watching Emily. They hope for the best during the week.

Brett and the mother are not alcoholic, so they may not understand the negative power of alcohol.

However, it’s undeniable that no amount of “saving ” is going to help this woman. She needs professional help!

The ripple effect of her alcoholism has reached a tipping point.

Should I say to Brett: “Give me a call when she’s in detox/rehab?”

I’d appreciate your advice.

Seven Years Sober

Dear Seven Years: You state that these enablers may not understand the negative power of alcohol. Yet they do understand this power because the job of keeping Emily alive is absorbing the full attention of two people. That’s power!

Addiction will absorb everyone in its path to varying degrees until the addict gets treatment. Case in point: Emily, Emily’s mother, Brett and now your relationship with all of them has been swallowed up by her disease.

Try saying this: “Emily has a disease, addiction use disorder. She needs treatment. If she had cancer or diabetes, wouldn’t you encourage her to get treatment?”

They do not have the power to save Emily. Imagine if she’d landed in courtmandated rehab as a result of her drunken car accidents? She might be celebrating her sobriety by now.

People who repeatedly save addicts from the consequences of their disease are “loving them to death.”

You could take Brett to an Al-Anon meeting or present him with some literature about codependency. Beyond that, don’t engage further, certainly if your own sobriety is threatened. Then you would be one more casualty of this person’s disease.

Dear Amy: My wife and I have two awesome sons in their early 20s who live with us. Both have college degrees, are gainfully employed, and their moral compass points in the right direction. We are proud of them and let them know it; they know they are loved.

But their personal hygiene is poor, as is their diet, and they are not physically active, which has caused them to put on weight.

Our hope was that by exercising regularly and trying to eat well, we were being good role models.

How can we encourage them to make healthier lifestyle choices without overstepping or saying anything that hurts their self-esteem?

Worried Dad

Dear Dad: Your directives should be pointed toward behavior that affects the household. I’m talking about hygiene. You should lay down clear expectations.

If they want to continue to live with you, they need to bathe each day, keep the common rooms clean, help with household chores, etc.

But their weight is their business.