Shock kids now or later?

Dear Amy: Fifty-five years ago, when I was young and stupid, I had a child out of wedlock and placed the baby up for adoption.

I am now married to a different man and have a daughter, 48, and a son, 38. I have two grandchildren.

My husband knows of my indiscretion but it never comes up in discussion.

I struggle with the question: Do my adult children have the right to know that they have a half-brother somewhere? My gut says no: “Why open a can of worms?”

I know my husband would definitely be against telling our kids about this. We are elderly and just want to live peaceful lives.

Did I just answer my own question? I’m wondering what you think.

Wondering

Dear Wondering: As long as you see this long-ago pregnancy only as a mistake, an indiscretion or something that resulted from your own stupidity, you won’t have any motivation to tell the story.

And as long as you see this truth as a “can of worms,” rather than a story about actual human beings, you will keep a tight lid on it.

I see this as an important and very rich part of your own personal history.

I cannot answer your question for you. I believe your children do have the right to know about a sibling. I’d think that your children might be shocked but ultimately understanding about this long-ago choice.

The child you gave birth to might also be searching for his biological relatives.

You have the legal right to deny him this knowledge, but should you?

I do know this: The ubiquity of household DNA testing kits is forcing into the open many such stories.

You can try to control the narrative now, or deal with family members down the road who would be shocked by the story and also dismayed by your silence.

Like that long-ago choice you made, this one won’t be easy. But maybe you’ll choose a brave uncertainty over peace and quiet.

A counselor would help you to sort out your thinking, and find the right words.

Dear Amy: My brother is a widower and a single dad. His wife died two years ago due to cancer and he is raising his 9-year-old daughter.

He is now starting to date again, and met a nice girl on a trip to another country. Even though they don’t live in the same place, he is very invested in the relationship. Whenever he is not working, he talks with her over the phone and video calls.

I’m happy for him but now my niece is complaining that her father spends day and night on the phone and isn’t spending time with her.

I have spent some time with them on weekends and my niece is not exaggerating.

I really don’t want to get involved but I would like my brother to realize my niece is missing their father-daughter time. I’d also like her to understand it’s nice for him to be in a relationship. How can I help them?

Concerned Auntie

Dear Concerned: Talk to your brother about this. Ask him to be more aware of the amount of time he is devoting to this new relationship. He needs to be present for his daughter — physically, mentally and emotionally.

You should also offer to spend as much time as possible with your niece. You can explain to her that it’s a positive thing for her dad to embark on another relationship, but no grieving 9-yearold will embrace this idea.