Rejecting racist cousins

Dear Amy: I’m from a small family (I have one brother), and while growing up, my two cousins (my aunt’s sons) were like brothers to me — we spent vacations, holidays and family celebrations together.

Thirty years later, we are not as close as we used to be — for various reasons.

I relocated to the West Coast and my family is in the Midwest.

I see my parents and my brother often. I haven’t seen my cousins since the pandemic began because we have differing opinions on vaccinations and social distancing (I believe in both; they don’t).

My daughter is engaged and very happy in an interracial relationship.

My spouse and I are quite fond of our future son-in-law and his family.

My dilemma is this: Both of my cousins have expressed racist views and used racial slurs in the past.

I do not trust that they will be supportive of our daughter’s marriage. I’m not comfortable with them attending her wedding.

Should I call them directly and address the issue outright? Should I quietly not invite them? I love my cousins, but I don’t like them or their worldviews, and I don’t know what to do. Stressed in the West Dear Stressed: If you are not comfortable being in proximity to these men for health or cultural reasons, follow your instincts.

But I’m leaning in favor of considering an invite for these two bozos, or at least opening it up for discussion. If your daughter and her fiancé are hosting a family wedding, well, families are made up of all sorts of people — sometimes these people are jerks, losers and racists.

There are many variables to ponder here, including how awful your cousins really are, and how tolerant the bride, groom and his family are willing to be.

This decision should be made by the marrying couple, so you can kick this in their direction.

I suggest you be completely honest with them: “Bert and Ernie are the worst. They are racist fools. But they are my cousins.”

Your daughter and her fiancé may not feel any obligation toward these family members, and if so, the decision is an easy one.

If the cousins don’t make the list and ask why, you can tell them the truth: “Your racist views knocked you off of the invite list.”

Dear Amy: I have been best friends with “Penny” for over 60 years. Last year we had an argument by phone regarding COVID vaccines.

In addition to the risk factor of her age, she has health issues, but is an adamant anti-vaxxer. I was concerned for her health and told her she was wrong not to get vaccinated. Since that moment, we haven’t texted or spoken.

I feel sad about not contacting her but notice that she hasn’t reached out to me, either. I think she has written me off.

Her birthday is approaching. Do I send a card?

Ex-Bestie

Dear Ex: Even though you framed your view as concern, people don’t like being told their health decisions are “wrong.” Putting aside the idea that vaccines can have a communal impact, when it comes to her health, Penny’s choice is her own.

I don’t see a downside to reaching out. If you’re truly done with this relationship, then you should let this milestone day pass. But aren’t you on some level happy to see that Penny has reached another birthday?