Let letter reader enjoy it

Dear Amy: In 2020, my nephew, “TJ,” graduated from high school.

My husband and I are especially close to him. Due to COVID there was no graduation party for him. I sent TJ a card and money.

Later, I sent a personal, heartfelt letter to TJ, telling him how much I enjoyed seeing him grow, recounting memories we shared, giving him unsolicited advice about college (that he could take or leave), etc.

TJ called to thank me for the gift and the letter.

Months later my sisterin-law mentioned to me that she was in TJ’s room and a letter was open on his nightstand. She said she saw it was from me and read it. She said she thought it was so nice and it made her cry. I was speechless! I feel the letter was private between TJ and me.

I was raised in a household where we never opened mail not addressed to us; the contents of any mail was considered the recipient’s private information.

Now, two years later, TJ’s brother is graduating from high school and I had planned to write a similar letter for him, but I feel constrained on how much of my personal feelings I want to put into the letter. The joy of writing another letter is gone for me since I know it may be read by others. Am I overreacting? Upset Aunt

Dear Upset: Yes, you are overreacting. By a mile.

When people receive letters and cards of congratulation to mark a happy occasion, they often leave them out and share their content with family members (unless explicitly asked not to).

You say this letter was lying open in your nephew’s room. It was not sealed, and your sister-in-law did not open it. She merely read it, as I maintain that just about anyone would do.

When a letter leaves the writer’s heart, mind, pen and home, it becomes the physical property of the person who receives it, and that person can leave it lying out for others to see, put it in a scrapbook, post a photo of it on social media or toss it.

It is best to enter a correspondence assuming that others may see what you write, and to choose your words carefully.

Your sister-in-law was moved by the contents of this letter. She was thoughtful enough to tell you so, and your response is to consider denying your other nephew this gift of time and wisdom.

This seems an extremely unkind reaction.

If you choose to write to your younger nephew, you can ask him to keep the contents of your letter private.

Dear Amy: After a very acrimonious divorce, we saw the typical “siding off ” of our mutual acquaintances. This is understandable, as divorce puts friends in awkward positions.

I have continued to send gifts as children of “our” friends marry, despite not being an invited guest.

These gifts are not being acknowledged.

I’m trying to figure out if I just hit a streak of ungrateful young people or if my giving is so grossly out of place that it is just being ignored. Any guidance is appreciated.

Bewildered Giver

Dear Bewildered: All gifts should be acknowledged, even if the gift bewilders the recipient.

You don’t need a wedding invitation to send a gift, but if you’ve never met the couple — or haven’t seen the marrying person in many years — you might just send a warmly worded card.