He’d have her at ‘hello’

Dear Amy: I am 35; my “fiancé” is 40. We have been engaged for 11 years.

My question is not about why we haven’t gotten married.

I am wondering why his father has not made any attempt to make me feel welcome, even after so many years of us being together.

Almost every weekend, his father comes over and picks up my fiancé. They then go back to his dad’s house to hang out for the majority of the day.

Even my simplest greetings are met with blank stares. He completely ignores my presence!

I can’t even get a “hello” out of the man.

My partner always says, “Just give him time.” Then he changes the subject.

My family has gone out of their way to make my partner feel welcome, because they know that I love him and he is a part of my life.

I don’t understand why he hasn’t done anything to remedy this situation. Or why I have not gotten a valid reason for his father’s choice to completely alienate me, even though he welcomed his brother’s psycho girlfriend into their lives with open arms.

Am I wrong for wanting to be accepted by his family?

And if not, then to at least be given a reason as to why I’m not accepted?

Left-Out Woman

Dear Left-Out: You aren’t wrong to want acceptance from your partner’s family — or anyone.

However, you and your “fiancé” (to use your quote marks) are extremely passive in your response to it.

Your 11-year engagement might be a clue that you two are extremely similar when it comes to your passivity (and patience).

Being similar does not mean you are well-matched, however.

“Give him time” is an elastic concept to your man. Glaciers have melted faster than he seems to move.

If this man has been rude to you for over a decade, why haven’t you called him on it? And why hasn’t your guy?

Also — would you spend part of every weekend hanging out with someone who was mean to the person you love, even if your hang buddy was your parent?

This might be the moment for you to say, “Time’s up.”

Dear Amy: My older brother is getting married this summer, his second marriage. He is a very conservative Christian and told me that because I am a gay man I am a sinner and will go to hell in the afterlife.

His children told me that they pray for my salvation.

For my entire youth, he abused and tortured me physically, emotionally and sexually.

We are both in our 60s now and for most of our lives have had very little contact.

I don’t want to go to his wedding. However, my mother is putting a lot of pressure on me to go. The thought of attending makes me anxious and angry.

I don’t want to see him or his family but I feel guilty not supporting my mother. What should I do?

Confused Brother

Dear Confused: Do not give in to your mother’s pressure. Understand with compassion that she may be hoping to heal the rift between you and your brother, but unless she has also urged your brother to atone for his behavior and ask for your forgiveness, any contact should be up to you.

Offer to help your mother by asking a friend or family member to accompany her.