Coping with toxic granny

Dear Amy: I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Our daughter recently turned 3. He also has a daughter from another relationship. She is 15.

My boyfriend is white. I am Black. His older daughter’s mother is biracial.

My boyfriend’s mother, “Shelly,” has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse.

She also has a habit of calling us when she is in an altered state and crying about other issues in her life.

Recently, we had a birthday party for our daughter. Shelly attended.

My parents take care of our daughter during the day. She sees speech, occupational and behavioral therapists during the week.

Our daughter puts her fingers in her ears when noises are too loud and overwhelming for her. She did this several times throughout her party.

Afterward, Shelly called my boyfriend (while high) and said her feelings were hurt because our daughter put her fingers in her ears when she was trying to talk to her. She said our daughter is unsocialized/uncivilized because she is Black.

For me, this was the last straw. Since our daughter’s birth, her grandmother has excluded her, neglected to treat her as well as her other grandchildren, and overall been a troublesome, toxic presence.

He doesn’t want to cut ties with his mother, and I would never ask him to. He is conflicted about this.

I have no intention of being around his mother or of letting our daughter visit.

Do you think I am unreasonable? Unsure in Decatur

Dear Unsure: Your daughter has another parent — her father. You two should talk this through and try to agree on a response to his mother’s conduct.

For the time being, you should not have your young daughter spend time with her grandmother, certainly not unsupervised.

First off, even when she is sober, Shelly obviously does not understand or have the capacity to cope with your daughter’s sensory processing issues. Your daughter’s response to noise and chaos is her way of trying to cope when her brain is overloaded with too many cues from different directions.

Second, Shelly is rarely sober. The way you describe her behavior could inspire any thinking person to stick their fingers in their ears.

Third: Your partner’s mother is a racist, and your daughter is a person of color. You cannot protect your daughter from racism or prejudice. But protecting her now, when she is young and vulnerable, is a start.

Dear Amy: My partner and I are in the habit of watching TV together in the evenings. Recently he’s grown restless with the choices and checks out on his earbuds listening to music or other videos.

Earbuds are hard to see, so I’ve asked him several times to let me know when he’s popping them in so I don’t try to start a conversation. He never does.

Should I just let it go? Falling on Deaf Ears

Dear Falling: Your husband might believe that saying “I’m going to listen to music now” would interrupt your flow and your enjoyment. He wants to sit alongside you and experience a parallel enjoyment.

Maybe you should just assume that at some point he will pop in the earbuds. Double-check by tapping on his knee (“Hey, do you have your earbuds in?”) before you try to converse.