Generosity may have cost

Dear Amy: I started seeing “James” three months ago. I am 35 and he is 40. We have successful careers, great communication and an appetite for adventure. It’s been an amazing start, but I struggle with some baggage.

James has part-time custody of his 4-year-old daughter, whom I adore.

James and his ex “Constance” were together for six years — never married. She has always been a stay-athome mom, raising three older children whom James considers his stepchildren.

Constance left James. He was shattered and confided in me that she must have been miserable to leave the financial security he provided. But she still has it!

For the past year, she and their daughter live rent-free in a house he bought for the family, no strings attached.

Their agreement is that she may stay indefinitely. If she decides to move, he would sell the house and she gets half. He also pays her monthly child support ($500 more than legally required).

When I said how generous he was, he said he wants his daughter to live comfortably, and Constance takes good care of the property.

I admire his heart and support, but I think he’s being overly generous. He and

Constance are not on speaking terms. She has been cutting ties between him and her other children. Her eldest child has called her a “gold digger.”

I recognize his responsibility to his daughter, but I fear he has been manipulated into supporting Constance long-term. She has always lived off of child support. It makes me nervous for our future together.

Shall I speak up or stay out of it?

Biting My Tongue

Dear Biting: You have been seeing James for three months. Understand that he has the right to spend his money any way he wants to, including generosity to an ex who isn’t very nice to him.

If he can afford to provide housing for his ex and her kids for the indefinite future, and if it makes him feel like he’s doing the right thing, then I’d say, good for him!

My only concern would be that he doesn’t seem to have a legal agreement with his ex outlining this arrangement. That leaves her more vulnerable than he is, because he could negate this setup any time, especially if he is involved with someone who thinks he is a chump and is influencing him.

Enjoy your relationship with him and don’t judge his choices unless and until they have a direct impact on you.

If you two became serious and had a financial entanglement, and certainly if you moved toward cohabitation or marriage, this would become your business.

Dear Amy: I’m a widowed woman, 62. I met a man, 36, with two young children.

We’ve been in a relationship for three years and so far I’ve yet to meet his siblings or mom, I can’t go in his house, and we’ve only been intimate a few times.

Our “relationship” consists of phone calls and text messages.

I’ve invited him and the kids to holiday and birthday meals but he always has other plans. I’m never invited to family gatherings.

He says he cares for me very much, as I do him, but this isn’t working for me. What do you think?

Wondering

Dear Wondering: I think this isn’t working for him either. I hope you meet a new special someone who wants to open his life to you. This man ain’t it.