Taking time alone to heal

Dear Amy: I am the kind of person who always puts on a brave face, no matter what I’m going through.

The past two years have been very difficult for me. I’ve suffered f inancially, physically and emotionally.

Through it all I’m always there for others — encouraging them, offering a shoulder to lean on or a helping hand.

I’m going through something very difficult, and I just don’t have the strength to smile through it.

I also don’t have the strength for people to trauma- dump on me or to want to know what’s wrong with me since I’m not making myself available to help them through their issues.

How do I politely tell people to please leave me alone while I work through this?

Exhausted

Dear Exhausted: It is completely natural for you to want to retreat. And if privacy is what you need, then that is what you should have.

However, I hope you could imagine getting support from some of the people you seek to avoid.

If they are trauma vampires, then definitely back away. But some of the people who have been taking from you might be grateful for the opportunity to give back. You won’t know their capabilities until you reveal your own vulnerability.

Any statement you make should be clear and concise, and you should be prepared to repeat it.

Try: “I’m going through some difficult stuff right now and I need some privacy while I work things out. I’ll get in touch down the road. I appreciate your patience.”

My hope for you would be to recognize that exposing your own broken places, even if only to yourself, can lead to a liberating revelation: It’s OK to put your smile in your pocket for a while as you access your own messy humanity.

You also should seek professional counseling. A therapist will offer validation and support as you experience what life is like without putting on a brave face.

Dear Amy: “Stella” and I have been friends for more than 25 years.

We were both pregnant with our f irst children when we met, and since then have been through the ups and downs of marriage and motherhood together.

One thing that bonded us at the beginning was that we both experienced very traumatic childhoods.

Over the years, however, I have gotten a lot of treatment and am no longer ruled by my past. Stella, however, is still not well and whole.

She very much wants to spend more time with me, but I f ind being around her these days to be both annoying and painful.

We are in a group of moms who have known each other all these years, and she lives very nearby, so there is no cutting her loose.

I don’t want to hurt her but also can’t think of anything I could say to explain my withdrawal that would not be hurtful to her. Your thoughts?

Concerned

Dear Concerned: Give your friend love with limits.

You have known one another for a quarter century. Your lives are likely entering a transition period as your kids move into adulthood.

Be kind, f irm and truthful: “I wish I could be there for you in the way you need, but I can’t. We both had such steep hills to climb. My therapy helped me so much. I wish the same for you.”

Because of her extreme neediness, even the gentlest truth might be hard for her.