‘Zero guilt’ is right answer

Dear Amy: When my parents divorced a few decades ago, they understandably stopped organizing family beach vacations.

As soon as I started making a little money (in my 20s), I stepped in and began pulling the vacation together. I was also footing the bill for my siblings and our children.

It was important to me that we all get together at the shore once a year, and I continued to do this for about 30 years, paying between $2,500 and $10,000 a summer — without asking for any help.

This summer both of my children are in college and my budget priority is tuition. This spring I let folks know I wasn’t going to be able to handle the family beach vacation.

When asked, I shared the rental catalogs and budgets with members of the family so they could handle the details if they wanted to.

There won’t be a beach vacation this year because no one stepped up.

While I’m sad not to have time in the sand, I have exactly zero guilt over this.

The problem is that there seems to be some resentment that I wasn’t able to do the planning and that it was out of my budget to even share expenses this year.

What do you think I can say to my family, other than that I have other priorities right now, and if they want to organize a beach vacation they need to do it?

Vacation Buzzkill

Dear Buzzkill: Sincere congratulations on providing summers at the shore for your family for an impressive 30 years.

Congratulations too on your “zero guilt” stance. Zero guilt over your choice is the surest sign that you were doing the right thing over the years, and that you are doing the right thing now.

Sibling groups are like ocean liners — changing direction very slowly and occasionally causing nausea if someone rocks the boat.

Of course there is residual resentment as you take away this annual gift! This stems from the fact that they don’t want to take on this annual financial and organizational burden. And they don’t like this “guilt-free” business. How dare you?!

There is some likelihood that after a year off, one of your siblings might pick up the slack. Or perhaps one of the younger generation will choose to do as you did all those years ago. (Wouldn’t that be great?!)

You are saying the right things. You might also add: “I was so happy to be able to do this for such a long time. It was my pleasure. I hope someone else will step up. If not, we had a good run.”

Dear Amy: I attended a memorial for a relative and was surprised to see an elderly man there wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants.

I spoke with him, and he made it clear that he knew about the service ahead of time, so it wasn’t as if he just found out and showed up at the last minute.

What is your opinion about someone attending a wake dressed like this?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: I agree that sweatpants and Tshirts are not appropriate for a memorial service.

This elderly individual might not have been able to manage getting dressed more appropriately. Some people cannot manage buttons and zippers. Some don’t have any dress clothes.

The kindest reaction is to look past what this man was wearing and appreciate the fact that he showed up.