A difficult intervention
Dear Amy: This summer I attended a large family celebratory gathering.
There were several teenage boys in attendance, along with younger girls.
I saw these young men (under legal age) openly smoking marijuana in front of the parents and guests.
Their parents were the hosts of the party.
There also was a bar set up for the adults.
A guest saw a young girl, not yet a teen, drinking alcohol. When it was brought to the attention of the parents, they did not object!
These young brains are at risk, yet I feel hopeless to do anything about it in fear of being ostracized by the very people I love. Should I say something?
What to Do?
Dear What to Do?: Laws vary from state to state regarding the illegality of underage people consuming alcohol and pot while on private property and with their parents’ permission. A number of states do allow this, and while you might not agree with this, you are not obliged to intervene.
(Parents may NOT allow underage people who are other people’s children to consume these substances, and may be liable for any injuries or damages that result from underage consumption while on their property.)
What do you need to do? Nothing. You’re off the hook.
The one exception to non-intervention (in my opinion) is the preteen girl consuming alcohol when her parents were not present.
Any adult who sees a preteen consuming alcohol should intervene directly with the child (“Is that alcohol in your cup? That’s not for you.”) and let her parents know. (Also speak with the bartender, if there is one.)
Dear Amy: My partner and her two sisters have hijacked Thanksgiving since their mother died 10 years ago.
Every year the expectation is that the sisters, their partners and kids gather together on Thanksgiving.
When their mom was alive, everyone gathered at her home, but every year since has been a battle that stirs up drama over where to meet (often a different location across the U.S.) or how to find a house that fits all 11.
The real issue is that the only people making these decisions are the three sisters in private meetings.
Significant others have no input. And now that the (privileged and spoiled) children are adults, they are given preference for deciding where we travel, which is often inconvenient for my partner and me, since we live on the other side of the country from the rest.
When I bring this up to my partner (middle sister) every year, she dismisses it and says the other partners don’t care, so why do I? I suspect they do care. I have not enjoyed myself at all in 10 years. The family dynamics are painful.
Can I please just excuse myself from the table?
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: Push yourself slowly and quietly away from this noisy table — you’re excused.
Perhaps you have family members from your birth clan to spend time with. Or you might choose to host or join a “Friendsgiving” feast.
Or you’d be perfectly happy spending a couple of days quietly at home.
You have the right to spend the holiday the way you want to. Furthermore, because spouses have been marginalized, “Hannah and her sisters” might be happy to spend some time bickering among themselves.