Speak up about bullying

Dear Amy: My 18-year-old daughter was kicked out of her friend group for being “too annoying” last fall, at the start of her senior year.

Her mental health plummeted as a result of this rejection and isolation, so she finished her senior year online and has been receiving therapy ever since.

She has college plans. We are all trying to move forward after this painful year.

I was friendly with two of the mothers in this group, and they clearly don’t accept that their daughters had any responsibility in the situation. One is clueless about how her daughter treated mine despite this behavior going on for years.

This mom has tried to maintain a friendly online rapport with me, but I cannot stomach the idea of socializing with her and pretending as if her daughter didn’t have a role in bullying mine out of school.

I am concerned that I may be facing social engagements where she is present.

How can I get past this issue peacefully without more drama for me or my family?

Had Enough

Dear Had Enough: You state that these mothers are “clueless” about their daughters’ bullying behavior. If they are truly unaware, perhaps they should be told about it. (The school should have done this when the dynamic emerged.)

What would you like from these women? Do you want them to acknowledge that their daughters bullied your daughter? Would you like apologies? Be prepared for an unsatisfying response.

The one mother you are most concerned about is trying to maintain a friendly online rapport. You might contact her privately to say: “I admit that I’m holding onto resentment for the role your daughter played in bullying mine. I realize parents aren’t responsible for every terrible choice our teens make, but this went on for a long time, and our family continues to struggle with the fallout.”

She may be defensive, aggressive, concerned, apologetic, embarrassed or silent.

The reason to engage privately is so you can move forward publicly with confidence, having been honest about an important matter that bothers you.

If this parent is uncomfortable facing the truth about her daughter’s behavior, she’ll have to deal with that. If she chooses to engage in a respectful dialogue with you about this, it might benefit both of you.

Dear Amy: My husband is seriously addicted to porn. It makes me feel so unwanted.

I feel there is no way to compete with what he is watching.

He refuses to talk about the subject at all.

Should I feel “not good enough” compared to the women he sees in films?

Upset and Unwanted

Dear Unwanted: Your feelings belong to you and you get to have them! Feeling “not good enough” is a natural response when your partner is addicted to porn.

Sex Addicts Anonymous (saa-recovery.org) uses meetings and a 12-step model for people addicted to porn. Sanon.org is a 12-step “friends and family” program where you could talk with others affected by a partner’s addiction.

As with any addiction, recovery depends on the addict admitting the addiction and committing to the process of change. Your husband doesn’t seem to have arrived at that point.

You have your own life to consider, and you have a series of decisions to make about your relationship.