Stay on top of paper piles

Dear Amy: My spouse, D, and I have been happily married (second marriages) for 25 years. We have adult children and grandchildren and are a very happy family.

D is a paper hoarder. It accumulates in big piles because D is unable to make decisions.

D’s small office is a labyrinth of paper piles that fall over and slither across the floor. The bookshelves are packed. Because the office is basically unusable, the dining room table becomes a substitute desk.

Our basement is full of moldy boxes of paper stuff.

I keep ahead of the paper elsewhere in the house, putting it in D’s office to keep the other rooms clear. I intercept the mail so I can toss the junk immediately.

Bringing this up elicits anger or passive resistance.

We have hired organizers, but my experience is that the current piles get thinned and filed, but there is no concurrent retraining, and the piles just grow again.

D experiences a lot of frustration when needed stuff can’t be found. Important documents or mail disappear into the piles, with bills not being paid, etc.

I need advice on how to help with this and to protect myself and our house from the paper avalanche. I worry about fire and bugs but more about D’s happiness.

Buried

Dear Buried: Any “decluttering” provides only a temporary respite — but the positive news is that D is somewhat cooperative, although you can see the anxiety brought on by the problem and its consequences.

Hoarding disorder (HD) is a serious and persistent disorder that has been linked to anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.

You should get online access to all of your bill paying, utilities, banking and retirement accounts, making them accessible to you both — and paperless. This will decrease the paper coming into the house and help keep you on track with bill paying.

You should not shame or blame D but recognize hoarding as a serious challenge. Some hoarders respond to a “harm reduction” strategy, versus a focus on simply getting rid of things: “I’m worried about fire. Can we work together to reduce the paper by one-third to reduce the risk to our house?”

Two helpful resources for family members of hoarders are hoarding.iocdf.org and the book ”Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One

Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring,” by Michael A. Tompkins and Tamara L. Hartl.

Dear Amy: I am soon to be 75. I am physically and mentally healthy. This week I spent a grueling 90 minutes with my dental hygienist.

She spoke to me using patronizing and condescending tone and language. I interpret this as ageism and elderspeak. I felt demeaned, belittled and angry.

She has been my hygienist for years and she is excellent. She may not even realize what she is doing.

I wanted to say something, but part of me says this is small potatoes. But I dread seeing her again.

Your advice?

No Plaque

Dear No Plaque: You should contact the office manager and/or owner of the practice.

Give your hygienist all the praise she deserves, then accurately state your experience at your appointment.

The dental practice should retrain all staff about how to communicate effectively with patients.