Difficult DNA test result

Dear Amy: About five years ago, I found out through DNA testing that my third child (age 31) is not my biological son.

I learned this after divorcing my wife. My ex will not discuss this issue with me and has not been forthright with him, either.

I love my son as much as my other kids, but doesn’t he deserve to know the truth? He lives on the opposite coast but we have a good relationship and just enjoyed a great weeklong visit.

One concern to me is that he may eventually need to know his medical history, which I cannot provide.

Also, he is becoming more inquisitive regarding family ancestry, and I try to avoid such conversations.

His mother does not want to discuss any of this with me. I’m open to both of us discussing it with him in the future if she is willing.

I have taken the stance that it is up to her to tell him, but she hasn’t since we uncovered this information almost five years ago.

What should I do? Should I just wait on her?

She may be planning to take the truth to her grave to avoid embarrassment.

Is any action on my part required? Your suggestion?

Determined Dad

Dear Dad: You should not avoid discussing family ancestry with your son. He is a member of the family and, DNA aside, your family ancestry is also his.

He also has the right to learn the truth about his DNA. This is important information, for obvious reasons. Even though learning this news would undoubtedly lead to challenges for everyone, it is his truth, and he has the right to it.

Given the ubiquity of DNA testing, your son is likely to discover this on his own at some point. Imagine how he would feel knowing that you knew this for years and chose not to tell him.

Let his mother know that if she doesn’t disclose the truth by a reasonable deadline, you will. Definitely offer to join her in a discussion.

Dear Amy: I recently married “RJ,” and life is great.

While at a get-together with old friends, one waited until RJ went to the bathroom to ask me about my exhusband and his well-being.

She wrapped up as soon as RJ was approaching to rejoin us, and I’m glad she did.

Unfortunately, RJ hasn’t always extended the same “kindness” to me.

He and his friends have relived the good times they’ve had together, including much talk of his ex.

I don’t have jealous tendencies and didn’t mind per se, but I did feel somewhat disconnected from him after those few instances.

When in company, should we avoid speaking of our past in front of our partner, or yap on and let them deal?

Curious in Miami

Dear Curious: If the choices are kindness and consideration versus “yapping ” and dealing, I’m voting for what’s behind Door No. 1.

A certain amount of wandering down memory lane should be expected, especially if the group includes more than one old friend.

But a gracious person will find ways to steer the conversation and not alienate anyone for very long.

It is kindest for your husband not to initiate extensive conversations about his ex. However, if the ball gets rolling, you should tolerate it. Nor should you avoid talking about your own history in front of your husband.

These anecdotes will help you to fill in one another’s life stories while you build your own shared history.