Be gentle with DNA news

Dear Amy: I was conceived via sperm donor and my parents, who are very private, never told me.

Via a DNA testing site, I was able to figure out the identity of the sperm donor and write to him.

I was pleased to learn of his good health history and intrigued by his warm openness to getting to know me and my family.

We’ve agreed to proceed slowly, which I think is healthy and a positive outcome.

My concern is regarding my parents, with whom I speak frequently.

I’m not angry with them, and I want to respect their privacy and the choice they made not to tell me. I worry this news may negatively impact our relationship.

I also have teenage kids who (currently) know none of this! Your thoughts?

Open-Minded

Daughter

Dear Daughter: This is a momentous discovery, and you are right to approach this thoughtfully. I see the challenge for you on two levels, first disclosure, and second (and I assume more challenging) this new relationship you seem interested in building with your DNA donor.

I assume that as a daughter and a parent, you understand that this new relationship might prove confusing or threatening to your folks.

Tell your parents — in person — that you’ve done DNA ancestry testing, and that it revealed this surprise. Thank them sincerely for taking this step to bring you into the world; convey your deep love for them. Tell them you appreciate their privacy; ask if they’d like to tell you anything about the process.

Then I think you should sit on this for a bit and let them absorb this news.

If they ask if you’ve connected with your DNA donor, tell them the truth.

I would caution you not to refer to your DNA donor as your “biological father,” and I would not disclose the relationship you seem interested in building until more time has passed.

You may have DNA-related siblings, and a slew of new contacts and relationships to sort out, but the one with your parents should be paramount, and you should strive to be respectful and reassuring to them.

This is a teachable moment for your kids. The lesson you should convey is that life is beautiful, complicated and surprising. Leading with honesty and love is the best any of us can do.

Dear Amy: I’m in my 30s. My boyfriend and I have been dating exclusively for about four months and I just celebrated a birthday.

Due to conflicts with work and out-of-town guests, we were unable to see each other during the week of my birthday.

I know he isn’t great with remembering dates. However, all he gave me was a card.

I am not a materialistic person who needs to be showered with gifts, but it’s nice to do a little something.

Am I overreacting? I’m afraid to bring it up at the risk of sounding petty.

Not Gifted

Dear Not Gifted: Your boyfriend is actually good at remembering dates. He remembered your birthday and gave you a card. I hope you told him that this gesture touched you.

I think you might be overreacting, but you are also trying to arrive at a balance in a fairly new relationship.

You could say, “Thank you so much for remembering my birthday. Would you be willing to take me out for a belated birthday dinner? I’d like to celebrate with you.”