Mean mom seeks change

Dear Amy: I am married with two children, a daughter, 15, and a younger kid, 5.

I am sometimes a mean mom. I am impatient and I yell, often during fights or when my big kid is challenging me or not listening. This results in her crying.

This happens almost daily, and has for years.

I am not proud of my actions. I am filled with shame and sadness at how I’ve handled things and the emotional damage I’ve caused.

I worry that this has caused her to be insecure and not as outgoing or happy as she could’ve been.

I feel like once she goes to college I will have missed my chance to heal our relationship and help her feel more confident.

If I hadn’t been so mean, she would’ve blossomed into a confident young woman.

I also think that she is suffering from depression.

Every time I make her cry, I feel awful.

What should I do? Bad Mom

Dear Bad Mom: The first step toward change is to recognize your negative pattern. Then you need to do something about it.

Yelling isn’t necessarily the core problem. What you say has a greater impact than the volume at which you say it. A personal putdown will be etched onto your daughter’s heart, and if you do this, you need to stop immediately.

When you’re frustrated, use “I” statements: ”I get so frustrated when it seems like you’re not listening,” versus: “You never listen. That’s why your grades are so poor.”

Your daughter is crying because she is overwhelmed and lacks the language, or doesn’t feel safe, to describe her feelings. She should be screened for depression.

I shared your question with Kimberly Kopko, PhD, director of Cornell University’s Parenting Project.

She responds: “It is not too late to try and make amends and navigate a new way of relating. Knowing that you are sorry and committed to making changes will likely be the most powerful message you can give her.

”I highly recommend a parent education class for parenting teens. These classes are typically offered at community service organizations or local schools.

”You may not feel like you have much inf luence on your daughter, but her behavior is highly correlated with the bond she has with you.”

You may also wish to talk with a family therapist

Dear Amy: Last month our only child, my 32-year-old daughter, suffered a traumatic brain injury.

She was in a coma and is now a walking miracle.

Her work family has been so helpful and supportive.

Her boss started a GoFundMe account for her and arranged emergency funds.

How do we properly thank everyone? Some donors are anonymous. Grateful

Dear Grateful: GoFund Me.com has a helpful guide for how to thank each donor. You should do this quickly and personally through the site, acknowledging the donation, expressing your deep gratitude and letting the donor know how their donation was used.

Also, post updates on the site, so donors can track your daughter’s progress.

Send a handwritten note to her boss, expressing your deep gratitude for his compassion and kindness, and asking him to share it with others in the office.