Mushrooming quandary

Dear Amy: I have a group of three friends (we’re all male) with whom I enjoy one overnight each month at a cabin in the woods.

We take turns cooking.

Recently two of the guys made us a spaghetti dinner.

The next morning they told us they had used mushrooms that they had found behind the woodpile.

I was horrified. I have a degree in biology and taught environmental science for 30 years. They couldn’t even name the species of mushrooms they used. When I expressed dismay, they were defensive (“My wife said they were OK!”) and eventually turned to taunting me.

At the next overnight I questioned what ingredients were included in the meal. Wishing to avoid further ridicule, I began to bring my own food under the declaration that I prefer to eat later than they do.

They are still making jokes about it and have not shown any contrition.

Was my reaction unfounded (I can’t imagine it was), and do you have a suggestion for resolving this through communication?

Avoiding Amanita

Dear Avoiding: Your reaction was not unfounded, but your overreaction is.

Your friends made a potentially dangerous choice; everyone got lucky and no one got sick. You conveyed your educated and legitimate concern, and you know they heard you because they resorted to taunting you for taking your position.

You certainly have the right to bring your own food to these gatherings, but you aren’t being honest about your reason. Every time you do this, you revive the original issue, which is that you don’t trust your friends to offer a safely prepared meal.

In my opinion, you should make a choice to trust your friends’ food prep, but this would require you to relax about an issue you obviously take very seriously.

You might flip this issue on its side if you dove into the heart of it. Have some Tshirts made for the group: “Fun Guys Forage Fungi.”

Dear Amy: My spouse and I have been in a committed partnership for 30 years.

It was only after many years together that marriage became legally available to us. As the reality of confirming our long-standing commitment was now a possibility, it still took some time to consider how we see ourselves, our lifetime of shared experiences and our intertwined families.

When someone sees a ring on my finger, they will sometimes ask how long we have been married. That’s when our definition of our lives together comes up against what some people allow to be true.

I would prefer to answer, truthfully, that we have been married for 30 years. When an incredulous look follows, I could add, “and we formalized it last year.”

But then people could respond, “But you have only been married for 1 year,” as if to place a huge asterisk on our marriage. Their conditional definition diminishes the true story of our lives.

How should we answer this question?

Happily Married

Dear Married: Congratulations on your long and successful relationship. You can describe it any way you wish. If someone challenges it, that’s on them.

It would also be simple for you to say, “We’ve been married in our hearts for 30 years and legally married for one — so I guess that makes us the longest-married newlyweds on the planet.”