A polyamorous problem

Dear Amy: I’m almost 50. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years.

We are stable and very much in love. We have chosen to be polyamorous for the past five years.

We didn’t tell my parents (and definitely not the inlaws!), but Thanksgiving before the pandemic I was going to have my partner of one year with me (“Steve”), so I told my parents.

Mom hasn’t taken it well. Steve and I have been together for three years. He feels as permanent to me as my husband does. (By the way, Steve has no family to visit on the holidays.)

The pandemic solved the “holiday dilemma” for a couple of years, but that won’t fly this year.

Mom refuses to accept Steve. I refuse to leave him alone on a major holiday.

I’ve invited my parents to our home for Thanksgiving this year (where I get to decide who sits at the table), but what about Christmas? That’s Mom’s favorite holiday and she loves to decorate and host. I don’t really do any of that.

How do I handle this? We’re not making out in front of her (we don’t even hold hands or flirt). We’re just existing, but she refuses to have him in her home.

I’ve thought about staying at Mom’s while my husband and partner get a hotel room nearby. Hubs doesn’t like staying at my parents and would jump at the chance, but Mom’s feelings would be hurt and Steve would still be alone while we’re at my mom’s.

I want to spend the holidays with my mom. She may not have many of them left, but I don’t want to leave someone I love alone on the holiday.

I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but she shuts down.

I don’t know what to do. Can you offer any guidance?

Two Directions

Dear Two Directions: The good thing about Christmas is that it really envelops a season, with at least two good opportunities to gather: Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Many families split things down the middle during the holidays, so if you want to be with your mom for Christmas dinner, then go there and enjoy yourself. Steve can hang with your husband during the event.

If your husband chooses to hang behind with Steve and your mother doesn’t like it, that is a consequence of all of the choices all of you are making: your choice to bring a partner into your marriage, your mother’s choice to reject him and your husband’s choice to skip your mom’s dinner because he is aligning with Steve.

You can tell Mom, “My husband would have come but we didn’t want to leave Steve alone on Christmas.”

Dear Amy: The pandemic interrupted and changed lots of businesses, especially restaurants.

Now that things seem to be returning to normal (more or less), I’m wondering how to respond when I’m at a restaurant and the service is slow, the food is cold and the reason (excuse) is “staff shortages.”

Given these circumstances, am I still expected to tip?

Wondering Diner

Dear Wondering: Yes, you are still expected to tip your server.

Your server doesn’t run the restaurant, cook the food or hire the staff.

And please keep in mind that your server is someone who showed up to work. This person should not be penalized.