It’s time to quit the band

Dear Amy: A few years ago, I started a rock band with some very talented musicians. We play for fun (not money), and we’ve played before some large crowds.

We have a big gig in a couple of months. My heart’s not in it anymore and I’ve lived my “rock star” dream, so I know it will be our last.

Should I tell the band before the gig that it’s our last gig, or should I wait until after the gig? I see pros and cons to both.

Rock Retiree

Dear Rock Retiree: I shared your dilemma with comedy writer and musician Adam Felber, co-host of fun podcast “Dad Band Land.” He and his co-hosts play in a neighborhood cover band.

He responds: “Announcing your retirement depends on what instrument you play. If you’re a guitarist, I wouldn’t worry about it, because there are a lot of you and it’s entirely likely your replacement will randomly wander into the garage while you’re telling the band you’re retiring.

“If you’re a keyboardist like me, it could be several months before they notice you’re gone.

“But if you’re the drummer, well, how dare you abandon them!?

“But seriously, unless you’re the front man, and there’s absolutely no way the band can continue without you, I’d wait until a few days after the gig and then tell them you need to take a break for a while.”

Adam’s podcast co-host Kevin Burke offered: “If you really want this to be a true ‘rock star’ moment, wait until right before the very last song, then make a big ‘quitting’ announcement to the audience and the band at exactly the same time.

“Otherwise, I’d wait until the show is over. Let everyone in the band have their last hurrah without making it bittersweet. And who knows, you might rock so hard you change your mind.”

Dear Amy: My younger brother “Wendell” spoke at our father’s 90th birthday party five years ago in front of 100 people. He went on and on about how our father wasn’t there for him growing up, was too busy working to attend his soccer games, etc.

It shocked many people there. My father was in the early stages of dementia and may not have understood what was said.

About a year later, Wendell told my mother on the phone that he had some leftover morphine from a relative’s illness. He offered to administer it to my father.

My mother was shocked and extremely upset.

I called my brother and said his “offer” was immoral, illegal and beyond inappropriate. He responded that I was entitled to “my opinion.”

I’ve never been close to my brother for various reasons, but these actions were more than I could tolerate.

Do I need to “forgive and move on,” or are there some actions that make a relationship beyond repair?

Devastated Sister

Dear Sister: The way you describe him, your brother is extremely angry, and holding onto some dangerous notions directed at your father.

I agree that Wendell’s actions as you describe them are intolerable.

I vote for understanding and clarity before forgiveness. That means: Understand he is not to be trusted. You needn’t contemplate forgiveness unless he acknowledges and apologizes for his hostile behavior.

Be extremely wary, especially regarding his attempts to be with your dad or manipulate your mom.