Both ends of the life cycle

Dear Amy: I’m a grown millennial. My parents are aging. Unfortunately, we don’t have much in common.

I live nearby. They want me to visit them every week.

They’re disorganized and I like to be organized. They don’t plan for the future, and live day by day. They are always in debt; I am frugal. We have different hobbies and religions too.

It’s tough. They are over 70 and I’m dreading the caregiving years.

How should grown children deal with parents with whom they have little in common?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: If you are a parent, I hope my insight will help you to reframe your reaction; if you’re not, it might help to inform the way you see this issue.

Raising children can lend a useful perspective to the bookend experience of providing care to elders.

Those helpless baby years, the trying toddler era, holding hands at the crosswalks, anxious nights, trips to the ER, birthdays, holidays — these are times when most parents give their all, even if their “all” is limited.

And if you’ve ever wondered what it was like to interact full-time with someone with whom you have nothing in common, try raising a teenager.

Your parents may have done a less-than-stellar job meeting the standards most parents work so hard to reach, but you are alive.

Adults in functioning families should deal with their aging parents with compassion and patience.

Here’s how adults do deal with aging parents: with some frustration. Prepare yourself for anxious nights, trips to the ER, holding hands at the crosswalks, etc.

You must take good care of yourself. This includes establishing boundaries, understanding that you will not be able to control or change them, and practicing compassionate detachment so you are able to enjoy some of your time with them.

Dear Amy: I was in a 13year relationship with a man 17 years older than me.

I helped to raise his daughter, who gave me a beautiful grandson.

My ex and I were never in love. We never did anything together, and he was emotionally abusive toward me.

I left him for another man my age. I am madly in love with my partner.

My new love and my ex hate each other.

My new love says that if I have contact with my ex, he will leave me.

The problem is that I constantly feel guilty that I left the other relationship. I worry about my ex’s feelings, so I talk to him behind my partner’s back.

I am tired of feeling guilty. I’m tired of feeling obligated to my ex, and I know it will destroy my relationship.

Can you help me to find some ways to let go?

K

Dear K: Your guilt over leaving an abusive relationship is misplaced, but you haven’t actually left. Guilt is part of the abuse cycle.

Ask yourself how this contact with an abusive ex serves you. Are you actually afraid of committing to your new love?

You’ve been engaged in something of a “soft exit” from your previous relationship. This has not worked. You should now actually break up. The modern version of breaking up means disengaging across every platform. Doing this will clear the path for a healthier and more honest relationship with the man you love.