Not too late to ’fess up

Dear Amy: Over 40 years ago, I committed a significant crime. No one was hurt, but I scared the devil out of a small group of people.

The crime was for financial gain, and I had planned it in advance.

My wife knew and begged me not to do it, but I felt I had no other choice.

My wife benefited from the crime and willingly spent the proceeds.

I was never caught. For 30 years we never spoke of this incident, as the memory was too painful.

Over the last 10 years, however, when she is very angry at me or is trying to force me to do something, she threatens to tell my adult children and our grandchildren about “the kind of man you really are.”

It is pure blackmail. Sometimes she says she will tell the story to the family in her own way after I am dead.

I have never repeated any unlawful acts since then and have shared a good life and, I believe, have made a positive contribution to many people through my work.

I have considered telling my children as truthfully and factually as I can, and have written and rewritten my confession many times to share with them.

I have not sent that confession. It sits, password protected, on my hard drive.

I think my adult children would understand and forgive. I cringe at the thought of my grandkids knowing.

If my wife tells this story, it will be embroidered with her perspective and 40-plus years of whatever she wants to bring to it. Her temper is legendary.

What should I do?

Reformed

Dear Reformed: You should meet with a lawyer, deliver a full and accurate account of what you did, and discuss your options, including admitting this crime and making restitution to those you harmed. (The statute of limitations for prosecution likely ran out decades ago.)

Then you should tell your family about this. Doing so will remove this from your wife’s bag of tricks. It would be best if you and she did this together, but that might not be possible. (In my opinion, you should make this confession in person, not via written document; but you could read from your document, if that makes it easier.)

You should acknowledge your wife’s opposition to your plan and take full responsibility for your actions. You should answer any questions and assure your children that you have done your best to lead an exemplary life since then.

And then ask for their forgiveness, and your wife’s too. Her attempts to blackmail you are deplorable, but — well, you started it.

A marriage counselor could help you to mediate residual issues.

Dear Amy: I’m 48 and have been dating a 52-year-old man for four years.

He’s a man of few words. He doesn’t always say how he feels but typically expresses it with gestures.

I’m ready to settle down. I’m ready to see where this relationship is going, so do you think it is OK to ask my boyfriend to marry me?

Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering: One quick way to see where your relationship is going is to ask him to marry you.

Before you do so, ask yourself two important questions: Is this the right person to stake it all on? Do you have a plan for what you will do if he hems, haws, doesn’t give you an answer and doesn’t make a telling gesture? If so, then go for it.